Ghosters: Modern Day Daters

Have you ever been ghosted or been the ghoster? Seriously, I think we all can admit we have either had this happen to us or been the one to do the ghosting. And if you are wondering what ghosting is, well pretty much it is when someone, specifically a love interest disappears out of thin air, never responding to that text(s), leaving you scratching your head, like what happened or glad I called the shot on that one. I feel ghosting has been happening since the dawn of time, just has looked different over the years, especially prevalent within our modern day society being rooted so much in wanting the next shiny thing, and wanting things instantaneously. Even myself has been ghosted before, and have even done the ghosting. Through dating, I have learned that ghosting honestly really has not much to do with you, it really has a lot to do with the other person.

A lot of the times, people do not know how to tell you they are just simply not feeling it or maybe you are just another person on their lineup of all the people they are talking to, or maybe even dating. With that being said, it can heartbreaking not getting that text or call from that person, at the same time it can show you there is something and someone to better to come in time. I have also realized that ghosting is quite childish, like if you cannot tell someone how you feel in a nice, clear and concise way, than are really an adult. While it easier to not say anything it all, it is also kind of you to tell someone how you truly feel and then turn the page. I feel in me being honest during dating, it has saved me some heartache but I have also experienced my fair share of breaking someone else’s heart, but with not so great guy or date, it will all lead you to the love of your life. I really truly believe there is a person out there for each and every one of you, don’t settle until then.

Keeping in mind though that we all live in the Information Age, where we are all hoping to find love. Sometimes, the person we were interested in may end up being ghoster, aha I love to call them Casper the ghoster. Or at times, we may even unintentionally doing the ghosting, since we just do not know how to tell someone where we are at, or maybe we just aren’t simply feeling it. No matter what it may be, always stay true to who you are and love unapologetically.

It is funny as I write this, I have had a few guys come to mind. One of them being a guy, who I met through a friend and said we would celebrate New Years together, but then just dropped off the face of the Earth and stopped texting me when that day rolled around.. And then out of the blue decided to text me on Valentines Day of 2016 saying he wanted to give me kiss, and I said peace out Nick (sorry not sorry). In the past year of 2020, I had myself a couple of ghosters, but for the sake of not exposing them, since I am kind, and well guys Nick was just prick, like wish him the best, but damn that is a bridge I burned and never want to have to cross over, ever again. Enough with what’s his name lol. Anyway so most recently in 2020, I guess you could say dated, but I would really call it talting (talking/dating–I just made up a word, don’t mind me).

The first one, we will call Myles (ps his name starts with K, so you can figure that one out), he had just gotten out of a very long term relationship and decided that I would become his therapist. I love helping and listening, but it came to a point of almost being draining. I also found it really weird that I was put onto a pedestal and idolized by this person, who really didn’t seem to know who they were, I get it, we are all trying to figure out who we are. But I just love for people to be who they are, nothing less. Anyway, he made a move on me which threw me for a loop then proceeded to mess with my feelings and decided to eventually ghost me, so there’s that. Some people just keep you around for their own selfish reasons, until something or someone comes around and they drop you like a fly, and then you become that fly on the wall. I wish him and his new love interest the best, but for some reason I feel I am still getting deja vu and guessing there is noting new, well there is with me, but I am keeping that top secret and my life has never been better, thanks M!

And the second and last one, we will call Barry (ps His name starts with… the letter I just capitalized). Wow I am really barring my skeletons to you guys, aha you all haven’t even seen half of it, I am not about putting about people on blast and feel for the most part I am withholding details that would disclose who someone is). Man well Barry, he was a good guy and we had really deep, good conversations for four months yet it never become more unfortunately. I tend to think I was just another chick on his list of other chicks. I find it funny though how someone can completely go ice cold on you while being luke warm for a while, guess it all just fizzled out and just wasn’t meant to be as they like to say. I wish him the best though, just wish I wasn’t thrown out of someone’s life by them like a crumbled piece of paper into a trash can of left on read.

I think we all have in some capacity experienced being ghosted, or been the ghoster. Or even being left on read for no reason at all, other than the person not having the courage to tell you they moved on, since no one wants to be the bad guy. You can be the good person, by simply telling someone how you truly feel, whether it breaks their heart or you fall madly in love, love is not a winning or losing game, it is the true test of life and you eventually bringing in new life to this world. So be honest with yourself and another person when you are out there dating, or even a committed relationship, it goes a long way, farther than you may expect. Last but not least, don’t be a ghoster (me, guilty) or get bogged down by being ghosting (I’ve been there, you aren’t alone), our past ghosters may haunt us or we may haunt them, no matter what it may be always cherish your time with someone, whether they are now a part of your past or currently in your present, be and love hoo you are because your OWLSOME (ending this with a good old owl pun, ps I have an owl obsession if you didn’t already know about that).

8 Dating Do’s & Don’ts

In looking back on the last year or my early twenties, I have gone on more dates than I can count. While that may be the case for some and not for other, either way there is nothing wrong when it comes to how you choose to go about dating. We are each on our own dating journey, so don’t compare your pitstop to someone else’s destination when it comes them being single or married. We all get to our final destination, our forever partner at different times in our lives, some meet their person sooner in life while others may not meet their person until after going through a handful heartbreaks. Your journey is what makes you, never forget that. With that being said, let me take on you a date on the do’s and don’ts of dating, not just from my experience but from friends and family experiences with dating. Hopefully, these “8 Dating Do’s & Don’ts” may help you the person reading this, relate or make you think about dating in a different light. No matter if your single, dating or married, we can always learn and grow as we go through life, and most importantly LOVE!

Let’s get into it…

  1. Do Be Interested

Some of us are scared to show someone we like them out of fear of rejection. But let me tell you, sending a nice text or doing a sweet gesture goes a long way. If you are someone like me, explicit cues like someone straight up telling me how they feel is far more important than implicit cues, which someone like me will not pick up on. I am saying send that long text, state and show your true feelings to that person, and well if they do not feel the same way, you know you showed how you truly felt versus playing cool. Showing and telling someone how you feel goes a longer way, than just playing it cool and being indifferent to them. Just do not be too hard on yourself, don’t overthink how you act, because someone should date and love you for you, not a version you think they may like.

Life is truly too short, love is too fleeting to not be or act interested in someone you like or may even find attractive (or both). And if you are simply not, then just send a nice text message (do not ghost that just makes you look immature and slightly shady, sorry not sorry, I hope your parents raised you slightly better than that, please have some sliver of respect because KARMA IS REAL.)

2. Don’t Think Too Far Ahead

Many of us are guilty of connecting with someone and thinking out our whole entire future with them. Well, hold your horses honey, just take it moment by moment, date by date before jumping in head first into the deep depths of dating. My advice is do ground yourself in reality to realize that you may not meet your person(or prince) after kissing a handful of frogs. So try to take the rose tinted colored glasses off and see the person for who they truly are, or who your close friends and family see them for. I feel it is important in the early stages of getting to know someone or dating them to seek advice for close family members or friends who may be seeing things you aren’t, since well they are not as invested as you are.

In dating it is important to stay in the now, and just really take it date by date. Over time, you truly get to know and see someone for who there. Always remember time is on your side, and do not start planning out your wedding from the second of meeting someone because most of the time that will end up in you just projecting what you want in a partner onto them. It is important to date in the now, reflect on your dating past, learn from your past dating experiences to seek out what you potentially want in a partner.

3. Do Focus on How You Feel

It is important to focus on how you feel. While your friends and family may like or love someone, it is important for you to feel those feelings as well since you will be spending a whole lot more time with them then they will. I feel it is also important to focus on what your gut is telling you. I can’t tell you how many times, one person in particular where I felt uneasy around, like something in my gut was telling me something off. Although I never pinned down what it was, I know now I am so happy I listened to my gut and walked away from that situation. Your body more than your mind and heart can pick up on things, that sometimes we ourselves cannot understand. Don’t forget to listen to your gut and lean into your feelings, since they will signal and let you know how you feel about someone. Many times, we misinterpret our feelings for liking someone a lot when it is more than that, so just feel your feelings, don’t feel one bit about it, since it will lead you to the right partner and rid you of the potential, toxic partners (I know some of you reading this have been there, you feel me?!).

4. Don’t Be Afraid to say Your Expectations

Seriously do not feel bad or be afraid to say what your expectations are when it comes to a potential partner. It is important to share and state your dating guidelines with you partner fairly early on to see if you two are even on the same page. Because I know from my own dating experiences, as well as friends and family that we end up dating someone for months, only to find out that they are just really not in the market for a serious relationship or finally figure out that they cannot live up to your expectations. My real, raw and honest advice is telling someone you are interested in is what you are looking for a partner.

If you do not, you may end up being frustrated and sad as to why things did not workout or why they are so many miscommunications between the two of you over time. Do not share a whole entire list with them, but do have (an) authentic conversation(s) with them over time in the early stages of dating, so it sets the foundation for a strong, withstanding relationship and eventual partnership down the dating road. Never lower your expectations to fit someone else’s idea of a relationship, do though have realistic expectations and exemplify them through your actions too. Let me just say you are worthy of someone f*cking amazing, and vice versa, never forget that honey, there is someone out there for each and every one of you (even if you have already met them and are committed, engaged or married).

5. Do Be Who You Are

Be unapologetically who you are to the core. And well if someone does not like you for you, then just wish them the best. It is so important to not become a version of yourself to fit that person’s ideal partner. I feel this is something that comes with time and gaining confidence in who you are. I always love to compare our twenties as each of us going into a costume shop and trying out different costumes, only to eventually walk out of there being completely fine in who we are. While you may have some insecurities which is completely normal, you should lean into those and see why you want to change those things about yourself. Is it family, friends or society telling you have to change who you are to be deemed worthy or beautiful, if so, listen yet tune into the pieces and parts who make up the person you are. Never doubt or forget, there is only one of you in this world, so keep being and doing you. Eventually in time, someone down the line will come into your life who loves you fully for all that makes you, you (the good, bad and in between). If someone truly loves you, they will love you not only at your best, but at your lowest. So continue to be who you are even if you feel like you do not fit the mold of those you see as your scroll on social media or in a small(ish) town like Boise, Idaho. Beauty goes beyond just looks, beauty can be found in your soul and shine through your spirit. Love hoo you are because you are truly F*CKING OWLSOME!!

ps I love owls, hoo would’ve known, just if you didn’t know that already, man you, yes the person reading this may think I am hoot, well that’s fine, cause I am me, and well you are you, so in the end that makes two of us (or maybe just one of you)

6. Don’t Judge by The First Date

I feel many of are guilty of judging someone off the first date, well at least I am. I feel it is important to go on a second or third date. Reason being, on the first date, most likely you and that person are fairly nervous if you have never met each other in person before. I really do feel it is important to not make assumptions of someone off just the first date, unless well if there are things that you do not see yourself being able to work pass. So give them and yourself a chance to really go on a couple or few dates, before making a rash decision about whether or not you want to date them. This goes for you people who have been talking forever over text or phone calls in getting to know someone, truly allow the date or dates to evolve into what they are meant to be, not an idealized idea of how the person should act or look in your head. Let your nerves settle down, and take your time in getting to know someone or even dating them, you can find out and connect with someone you may not have thought you would.

7. Do Meet Somewhere Public & Place You Both Like

It is important on a first date or even in the beginning stages of dating that you meet in a public place such as a populated park, restaurant or area where other people can see you. I say this because you never know who truly someone is even after talking for them a while and stalking them on social media (because we all do that, even if do not say so explicitly). It is important to also research someone before you meet up, just to make sure you are not going on a date with someone who could possibly cause harm to you. I say this because many of us nowadays likely meet someone online through a dating app, social media (Instagram or Facebook) or through a mutual friend. Last but not least, when meeting someone for the first time, pick a place you both like and feel comfortable meeting up at. When it comes to dating or just getting to know someone, it is crucial for you to feel secure and comfortable. If not, then please listen to your gut and do not meet up or go on a date with someone if you truly do not feel comfortable. Your body as I like to say sometimes knows better than your mind and heart. Trust your gut and intuition, as I like to say (or as someone told me long, long ago).

8. Don’t Forget to tell Family & Friends who You Are Going With

No matter what, do not forget to tell your family and friends who you are meeting or going on a date with. It is important to let those you are close know your whereabouts in case anything was to happen to you. So text when you arrive at your destination and when you leave to let those you love know you are safe. It may also be important to share your Snapchat location with a friend locally in case something was to happen to. You never know nowadays, so having tags on someone can help in making sure you are safe, and reassuring your loved ones you are too. I do not tell you this to scare you, yet this important to be in communication with your family or friends, even if you are meeting up with a friend or going on a hike alone, just so they know where you are. I always tell my family and sometimes my friends were I am going so they know, and can do something if something happens to me. Just do not forget to communicate and practice safety whenever you are going somewhere by yourself or with a friend, or meeting a new person.

The Destinations & Detours of Dating

I hope these “Dating Do’s & Don’ts” can help you as you continue on your dating journey, or even reflect on what dating was like for you before you met your forever person. I feel each person’s dating journey is different, yet similar. Some of us date more than others, and some of us have never been a long term relationship before. No matter where you are at in your dating journey, just know it is your journey, not anyone else’s. So do not compare your season of singleness to someone’s season of marriage. We all go through different seasons in life at different times, so appreciate the time you have.

Learn all you can about life and love, what you want and do not want in a future partner. Through dating, you will find more about yourself, who you want to be as a partner and what you seek in a relationship for it to be healthy, withstanding and for you feel fulfilled (and loved). Just remembering the longest relationship you’ll ever be in is the one with yourself, so learn to love yourself and the rest will follow (as they tend or like to say). Taking it day by day, date by date, you got this (and you can survive even those worst heartbreak and breakups — p.s. they will make you appreciate eventually your life long partner).

The Dating Dilemma

It is crazy to think that when we become teenagers then adults, we embark on the journey of finding our other half. And in order to do that, for most of us, we got to date a good amount of people until we find our so-called person. Well for those lucky few of you find that person when your kids, or when your middle or high school teenagers, I guess you get to save yourself a heartbreak or two. Besides the fact, no matter what age we are, we are all just trying to figure out who we are going to be, what we are going to do and how that all will come to fruition.

With that being said, I have noticed time is always on our side, it helps you see someone for who they truly are, not what their words tell you. Over the years, I have learned to listen more to what someone’s actions say versus their words. I like to say I am a big believer in that quote, “words tell you who someone wants to be while actions tell you who they truly are”, I think that is how the quote goes, right?! Well besides the fact of not knowing the exact wording, maybe someone can eventually look it up, correct me and send me the correct wording; I’d greatly appreciate that. As I write this, I have all these memories/stories flood into my mind, but for the sake of time, and me actually hoping to turn my many heartbreaks into a book one day, I am not going to share it all in one go. Because well that would be overwhelming and I don’t think any of you would want to spend that much time reading about all my crazy, interesting and insightful dating stories. Honestly, let me take you, yes the person reading this on a first date, let’s get acquainted with one another, I promise I won’t make this awkward, unless you or I do.

So now that I asked you to go on this first (virtual) date that is because #COVIDSTILLEXISTS, so trying to practice all the safety and social distancing protocols. And well you just had to accept my request because you must not have anything better going on if you are reading this, or maybe you’re genuinely intrigued by my dating life, which is honestly non-existent at this point because… well we will get to that soon so please be patient with me (and hopefully love me for me, isn’t that what we all want?!) Here we are sitting down, right across from one another at that coffee shop or restaurant we both agreed on. As both of us talk, well I think each of us endure yet again another round of small talk because no one wants to get deep on the first date, because you don’t want to think the person right across from you has any form of baggage (and no one wants to carry that around like luggage).

But as both of you get comfortable, you start to notice that you aren’t alone when it comes to this never ending game of dating, if you win I guess your either married or in a relationship, well if you don’t then your likely single or just had your heartbroken. I guess you can call me both a winner and loser when it comes to game of dating. I hate to call dating a game, yet in our young adult years it feels just like that, it seems like people either use you for their own self serving interests, ghost or gaslight you. Don’t get me started on the dating apps, or your friends trying to set you up yet again with one of their friends. I feel all options are great when it comes to dating. Well I have yet to meet that person where it all just makes sense. Like people say you know, when you know and I thought I have, but maybe I am just a cat with nine lives (I have lost 3 already if you’re wondering) who has yet to meet the purr-fect match for me. I don’t believe in soulmates, or love at first sight, but according to some sources it exists, like they found someone in the midst of it all, wish I could fall into whatever trap or contraption they fell into. Don’t we all hope for that one day, where we can just do life with our partner, best friend and build a life we are both proud of and get a dog or two while we are at it.

I know we all hope for these things, and if you reading this are like no I don’t at all well can I have what you are drinking. I know we all order drinks and take shots at the same bar, hoping that person will walk through that door or we will make eye contact and find them in a crowded room. But sorry to break it to you, that’s not reality or life. Meaning you can be like me who has dated more people than I can remember, because I thought well that’s what you are supposed to do in your twenties after you get your heart broken by the guy who you first seriously dated and thought you’d build a life with. News flash, it was not meant to be and I am beyond happy we parted ways, because I know the path I am on after many detours and pitstops will lead me to my person, or hopefully (actually I know) the person who will accept and love me for me.

I guess what I am trying to say to the person reading this is not to give up hope, because well I have many times yet here I am still a hopeless romantic. Here I am, yet again single, because I am not settling and well let’s just say I needed to take some time for myself too. As one of my friends likes to joke is that I was in a relationship with dating for the past year, and well she was not wrong. I even like to joke that I have survived a mandemic in the midst of a pandemic. In all seriousness, I know what it feels like to be alone, to be in love and to wonder if you will ever find that person. If no one has told you this, I want you to know you are worthy of love and someone who doesn’t make you feel like a liability. I know the lines sometimes get blurred, yet with time it will become a lot clearer of what you want in a partner. So in the meantime, I encourage you to keep doing the things you love, meeting new people and experimenting (whatever that may be, just remember practice safety). I like to say love is like an experiment, where most of the time you have all the steps/directions right in front of you, yet you keep not getting the intended result until after many attempts you finally get it right. If you didn’t get it wrong, your heart broken or have yet another token of you taken, you would never know and appreciate a love that is meant for you. I truly believe two people are made for each other, your partner should be there to challenge, support and comfort you. And we all find that person at different points in our lives, so do not compare your pitstop to someone’s destination. Until you find that you should not settle for anything less than someone who wants to be your best friend, partner and lover.

PS I hope our first (virtual) date with one another went somewhat well, despite some of the detours along the way. Do stick with me though for a second date, because I am excited to share what’s ahead and it might just involve some helpful, laughable and insightful tips. Just know I got the tip covered, if you got the bill. Well can’t wait to see where it goes from here, so jump in, buckle up and let’s get going. And take our time to get to know one another, before we jump ship, I promise the