Better Off on My Own

Lately I have been feeling this sense of just being better off on my own. I don’t say that to be negative, but rather I just feel like I don’t want anyone to be carrying around my baggage like its their luggage. I see everyone so happy, content, in love or just living their life on their own terms, and then…

I look at myself and wonder how did I get here, why did I let a guy for the last year of my life make me feel like there was a ticking time bomb ready to explode right in my face. When it did and I had to carry the weight of knowing I had to leave for my own sanity, and then to be caught up in the fear of carrying something else too. In the process, I honestly felt myself losing pieces of who I am to fill that of those around me. Maybe if I do this, then everyone will be happy.

But what I realized is for years I have been sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of love, while some may say that’s a flaw, I think we all fill parts of ourselves in people and with things we are lacking to feel whole. I can honestly think back to college when one of my roommates said Maddie I can’t keep up with how many guys you are dating. Back then I was lost and trying to find myself in other people (and I guess now I still am too), some who would take up my time and others I would never give a chance.

See what I realized then and now is that the moments I have felt most alone have been the moments when I truly grow and find what I need. While I’m flawed beyond belief, I know that maybe by me saying I’m better off on my own is better for the sake of those around me, including myself.

No I’m not saying I want to be alone forever. And that Yes I do want to find love again, and eventually a family, but for now I need time to grow and honestly I don’t know what that looks like. But what I do know is the next time love comes knocking on my door, I am going to do everything in my power to keep that private for the sake of my own well being and happiness. Because I’m done living for the approval around me. Whoever that person ends up being, we will be darn lucky and beyond happy to have each other.

In the meantime and as I go through life, I will continue to turn to music and poetry to get me through it all. And if you feel or felt like do, please know you are not alone but rather something and someone great is down the road, waiting for you to arrive at your destination, them.

PS the name for this post was inspired by the one and only Taylor Swift’s song, “King of My Heart” . Also some songs I have been listening to remind me that my feelings and thoughts are valid, as are your’s are “Hand Me Down and Overjoyed by Matchbox Twenty”, “Lonely by Noah Cyrus” and “Anyone by Demi Lovato” . As always, love you all beyond words!

The 23rd Year Of Me

Today I turn 24 and close the chapter of the 23rd year of my life. During this year, I learned so much about myself and life. I learned you cannot count on those who thought you could. And found out that people’s perceptions of you may not ring true to what you are and actually went through. I found this to ring true when I found myself in a position where those around me thought what I was doing awesome, which I thought too. Only I later found out through the first eight months of my 23rd year I would be riding a rollercoaster. A rollercoaster of some major ups and pitfall downfalls, where there were days I felt truly alone. Since I guess standing up for yourself and something that is not right means you reap the result of victim blaming. In this raw and cutting part of my story, I related to those who faced similar stories and decided it was time for me to leave that chapter of my life behind me. And leaving that part of this chapter behind allowed me to move on and write a much better and happier chapter. A chapter where I stepped away from social media and focused on what makes me happy and that is how Mildly Me came about. I decided I always wanted to start a blog where I could celebrate self-expression. Allowing each and every one who visits this blog to embrace what make them who they are. So today I embark on another year of life and invite you to be a part of embracing what makes you, welcome to Mildly Me my dear.

Mildly Me

“They told me to be you, when all I want is to be Mildly Me”

Mildly Me

Throughout the year, I went through a great amount of transitions from a new job , new friends and new experiences. Through this all, I found myself in the midst of the madness. I realized I did not need to be anyone else, but me. Embracing all of you, the good and bad can be oh so liberating.

Learning you can let go of those and the things holding you back, and celebrating those and what lifts you up. Sometimes being mildly you, just takes that one step, one voice and one word to embrace the body, face and heart you have that makes you different from the rest. The best thing about life is not being me or them or whoever, but your own version of mildly me.

Mildly Me