Tag: Individuality

I Got Your Msg

I got your message is such a common thought in my mind lately. Because I feel this can either mean two things, I actually got your message or got what you are saying. As I think of this phrase I think over the interactions I have had over the past year and half of my life, which many of my friends coined as the Mandemic. I guess I became a joke in the midst of pandemic. Glad I survived and found the only person I can count on is me, only me. I have found that ending a relationship that was going nowhere was something I should have done long ago. But me being me, I am people pleaser. I always people’s happiness before mine. Nine times out of ten it may leave a bruise or two, but I would rather be known for being kind and giving people many chances. I noticed though that I have danced with the devil way many more times than I can count, because all I was wanting to be thought of was as this perfect, sweet angel. I noticed in always trying to be the nice person, people will take advantage of you, take your thoughts and twist them to make you feel like you are out of your mind, and make you wonder where you went wrong. I have noticed that sticking up for yourself simply means letting go of people and things that no longer serve you. So I erased those texts you sent and no longer picked up the phone, maybe then you will get my message or maybe you will never get it. But no matter what the outcome is, unread text or voicemail, I know I kept myself by not allowing you in time, time again to just cause me pain, to hate who I am, to not feel enough, to just feel like a liability.

I know I have the ability to construct my words in a way that may make sense to you the person reading this. I hope though if you do not understand me, maybe you never will, I will have the capability to let you know have the ability to do whatever you want with your life. I used to think I had to make my enemies, the ones who left me on read to understand me. What I came to know is you cannot get someone to understand you when they cannot even understand who they are. I may care too much about the people who I cross paths with, but I know maybe one day they will hopefully embody being kind, understanding and just being who they want to be. I feel many of us just wear a mask, put out this front and facade like we all have it figured it out and have our shit together. The truth is we are all just figuring it out. Yet what I feel we lack as humans is completely abandoning that there is another person on the other side of the conversation. So instead of telling them that you will not be arriving at the same destination, you swerve, ghost and ride off in another direction. In the case of a intersection, you look to the traffic lights to guide you on what you should do. You ask the universe for advice, you ask your family and friends what should I do. While I feel it is okay to ask, I also feel this is your life, so send that damn message and if they do not respond or do not feel the same way, know you are still the one and only one of you, and there is going to be someone one day who will get you for you.

I am so sicken tired of asking if they got the message. I am so sick of people who just play mind games with the messages they send. I am done with those messages that come through, only to mess with your mind and make you feel crazy for feeling anything. I know I may know a thing or two, but the one thing I know is between you and me, the sender and recipient is let’s not play monkey in the middle, just straight up tell the person and say how you feel. At the end of the day, we worry so much and read between lines that are not even there, convincing ourselves that this thing or person is right for us, when clearly, most of the time it is not. So yeah maybe, they will get the message one day, but in all honesty, they may never get it.

Whether they will get it or not, it is not up to you to decide, the choice is in their court. So you can either be the player or get played, I have been on both sides. No matter which way you go, you will win some and lose some. Just know you got yourself. If you got you, know you have the courage to send that real message of how you truly feel to someone, be kind though. Either way, I got left on read or got your message, know your value is not attached to the outcome of what happens next. Know how people act is most of the time not a reflection of you, but their own self. Selfless or selfish, I got your msg, I read it, I smiled, I cried, I thought of you, I thought what could be. So next time, you get a call, voicemail, text or DM, know you got the message, it is okay what you do next (just remember to be kind).

PS I got your msg, not sure how to feel all about it, really?! Ever got a msg, left it on read or responded right back, only for you to be on cloud nine or feeling like you digging for fools gold in a non-existent goldmine. Only to say I am fine (really not, whenever someone says that). Time after time, we will continue to say I got your msg whether in actuality or figuratively, so got your msg, what will I say or do next………. (duh dun, we may never know, the never ending carousel of messages continues)

Poser

Lately the word, “poser” keeps coming to mind, and I honestly don’t know why. When you think of poser, what or who do you think of? I for some reason think about all of the people I see on social media, like Instagram or Facebook. I think about the people who just show the highlight reel of their lives. When we all know damn well, we are all going through something that we aren’t deciding to share on social media. But what about if social media was not a highlight reel, but a highlight REAL. We all live real lives, have real issues and do some really awesome things. Really though, but why do we decide to knit pick and not showcase pieces the behind of the scenes of our lives.

I feel if more people on social media did that, it would make them more relatable and let them know what they go through is not abnormal. Yet influencers or celebrities decide to take hiatuses, then come back and act like nothing really ever happened. I think it all comes to transparency. Being transparent about who you are, what you stand for and how you choose to live your life. I feel in some aspects we are all posers, even I’d call myself a poser since I choose to keep pieces of my life private and decide not show the not so great experiences, well I sometimes do on here.

Besides the fact, imagine if we lived our lives without filters, presets, FaceTune or followers, how would life look to you if none of that existed? I sometimes feel life would be better without aspects of social media, such as followers, since it puts people on pedestals that they are bound to fall off of or be in a constant battle of comparing yourself to someone else. I at times, catch myself like many of you, feeling like I am not enough and emulating parts of people I look up to you, but in the end that just leaves me feeling empty. I have learned with time, you hold so much power in just being you, the right people will decide to stay in your life for the right reasons, and you honestly become a healthier mentally and physically. While at the end of the day, we may all be posers at some points in our lives, that’s okay, but never forget to be who you are, you hold so much power in being unapologetically you.

PS part of the reason I started the blog, Mildly Me was because I felt many, myself included show the world mild versions of who we are, in order to fit in and feel like we can survive this wild world we exist in. We all have been posers at points in our lives, felt like we were the losers on the winning team, only to find out we hold that superpower within who we are (whatever that may be, share it with the world and don’t let the haters get to you, you’ll forever be a winner in my and many hearts and eyes!!)

Better Off on My Own

Lately I have been feeling this sense of just being better off on my own. I don’t say that to be negative, but rather I just feel like I don’t want anyone to be carrying around my baggage like its their luggage. I see everyone so happy, content, in love or just living their life on their own terms, and then…

I look at myself and wonder how did I get here, why did I let a guy for the last year of my life make me feel like there was a ticking time bomb ready to explode right in my face. When it did and I had to carry the weight of knowing I had to leave for my own sanity, and then to be caught up in the fear of carrying something else too. In the process, I honestly felt myself losing pieces of who I am to fill that of those around me. Maybe if I do this, then everyone will be happy.

But what I realized is for years I have been sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of love, while some may say that’s a flaw, I think we all fill parts of ourselves in people and with things we are lacking to feel whole. I can honestly think back to college when one of my roommates said Maddie I can’t keep up with how many guys you are dating. Back then I was lost and trying to find myself in other people (and I guess now I still am too), some who would take up my time and others I would never give a chance.

See what I realized then and now is that the moments I have felt most alone have been the moments when I truly grow and find what I need. While I’m flawed beyond belief, I know that maybe by me saying I’m better off on my own is better for the sake of those around me, including myself.

No I’m not saying I want to be alone forever. And that Yes I do want to find love again, and eventually a family, but for now I need time to grow and honestly I don’t know what that looks like. But what I do know is the next time love comes knocking on my door, I am going to do everything in my power to keep that private for the sake of my own well being and happiness. Because I’m done living for the approval around me. Whoever that person ends up being, we will be darn lucky and beyond happy to have each other.

In the meantime and as I go through life, I will continue to turn to music and poetry to get me through it all. And if you feel or felt like do, please know you are not alone but rather something and someone great is down the road, waiting for you to arrive at your destination, them.

PS the name for this post was inspired by the one and only Taylor Swift’s song, “King of My Heart” . Also some songs I have been listening to remind me that my feelings and thoughts are valid, as are your’s are “Hand Me Down and Overjoyed by Matchbox Twenty”, “Lonely by Noah Cyrus” and “Anyone by Demi Lovato” . As always, love you all beyond words!

The 23rd Year Of Me

Today I turn 24 and close the chapter of the 23rd year of my life. During this year, I learned so much about myself and life. I learned you cannot count on those who thought you could. And found out that people’s perceptions of you may not ring true to what you are and actually went through. I found this to ring true when I found myself in a position where those around me thought what I was doing awesome, which I thought too. Only I later found out through the first eight months of my 23rd year I would be riding a rollercoaster. A rollercoaster of some major ups and pitfall downfalls, where there were days I felt truly alone. Since I guess standing up for yourself and something that is not right means you reap the result of victim blaming. In this raw and cutting part of my story, I related to those who faced similar stories and decided it was time for me to leave that chapter of my life behind me. And leaving that part of this chapter behind allowed me to move on and write a much better and happier chapter. A chapter where I stepped away from social media and focused on what makes me happy and that is how Mildly Me came about. I decided I always wanted to start a blog where I could celebrate self-expression. Allowing each and every one who visits this blog to embrace what make them who they are. So today I embark on another year of life and invite you to be a part of embracing what makes you, welcome to Mildly Me my dear.

Mildly Me

“They told me to be you, when all I want is to be Mildly Me”

Mildly Me

Throughout the year, I went through a great amount of transitions from a new job , new friends and new experiences. Through this all, I found myself in the midst of the madness. I realized I did not need to be anyone else, but me. Embracing all of you, the good and bad can be oh so liberating.

Learning you can let go of those and the things holding you back, and celebrating those and what lifts you up. Sometimes being mildly you, just takes that one step, one voice and one word to embrace the body, face and heart you have that makes you different from the rest. The best thing about life is not being me or them or whoever, but your own version of mildly me.

–Mildly Me