Poser

Lately the word, “poser” keeps coming to mind, and I honestly don’t know why. When you think of poser, what or who do you think of? I for some reason think about all of the people I see on social media, like Instagram or Facebook. I think about the people who just show the highlight reel of their lives. When we all know damn well, we are all going through something that we aren’t deciding to share on social media. But what about if social media was not a highlight reel, but a highlight REAL. We all live real lives, have real issues and do some really awesome things. Really though, but why do we decide to knit pick and not showcase pieces the behind of the scenes of our lives.

I feel if more people on social media did that, it would make them more relatable and let them know what they go through is not abnormal. Yet influencers or celebrities decide to take hiatuses, then come back and act like nothing really ever happened. I think it all comes to transparency. Being transparent about who you are, what you stand for and how you choose to live your life. I feel in some aspects we are all posers, even I’d call myself a poser since I choose to keep pieces of my life private and decide not show the not so great experiences, well I sometimes do on here.

Besides the fact, imagine if we lived our lives without filters, presets, FaceTune or followers, how would life look to you if none of that existed? I sometimes feel life would be better without aspects of social media, such as followers, since it puts people on pedestals that they are bound to fall off of or be in a constant battle of comparing yourself to someone else. I at times, catch myself like many of you, feeling like I am not enough and emulating parts of people I look up to you, but in the end that just leaves me feeling empty. I have learned with time, you hold so much power in just being you, the right people will decide to stay in your life for the right reasons, and you honestly become a healthier mentally and physically. While at the end of the day, we may all be posers at some points in our lives, that’s okay, but never forget to be who you are, you hold so much power in being unapologetically you.

PS part of the reason I started the blog, Mildly Me was because I felt many, myself included show the world mild versions of who we are, in order to fit in and feel like we can survive this wild world we exist in. We all have been posers at points in our lives, felt like we were the losers on the winning team, only to find out we hold that superpower within who we are (whatever that may be, share it with the world and don’t let the haters get to you, you’ll forever be a winner in my and many hearts and eyes!!)

8 Dating Do’s & Don’ts

In looking back on the last year or my early twenties, I have gone on more dates than I can count. While that may be the case for some and not for other, either way there is nothing wrong when it comes to how you choose to go about dating. We are each on our own dating journey, so don’t compare your pitstop to someone else’s destination when it comes them being single or married. We all get to our final destination, our forever partner at different times in our lives, some meet their person sooner in life while others may not meet their person until after going through a handful heartbreaks. Your journey is what makes you, never forget that. With that being said, let me take on you a date on the do’s and don’ts of dating, not just from my experience but from friends and family experiences with dating. Hopefully, these “8 Dating Do’s & Don’ts” may help you the person reading this, relate or make you think about dating in a different light. No matter if your single, dating or married, we can always learn and grow as we go through life, and most importantly LOVE!

Let’s get into it…

  1. Do Be Interested

Some of us are scared to show someone we like them out of fear of rejection. But let me tell you, sending a nice text or doing a sweet gesture goes a long way. If you are someone like me, explicit cues like someone straight up telling me how they feel is far more important than implicit cues, which someone like me will not pick up on. I am saying send that long text, state and show your true feelings to that person, and well if they do not feel the same way, you know you showed how you truly felt versus playing cool. Showing and telling someone how you feel goes a longer way, than just playing it cool and being indifferent to them. Just do not be too hard on yourself, don’t overthink how you act, because someone should date and love you for you, not a version you think they may like.

Life is truly too short, love is too fleeting to not be or act interested in someone you like or may even find attractive (or both). And if you are simply not, then just send a nice text message (do not ghost that just makes you look immature and slightly shady, sorry not sorry, I hope your parents raised you slightly better than that, please have some sliver of respect because KARMA IS REAL.)

2. Don’t Think Too Far Ahead

Many of us are guilty of connecting with someone and thinking out our whole entire future with them. Well, hold your horses honey, just take it moment by moment, date by date before jumping in head first into the deep depths of dating. My advice is do ground yourself in reality to realize that you may not meet your person(or prince) after kissing a handful of frogs. So try to take the rose tinted colored glasses off and see the person for who they truly are, or who your close friends and family see them for. I feel it is important in the early stages of getting to know someone or dating them to seek advice for close family members or friends who may be seeing things you aren’t, since well they are not as invested as you are.

In dating it is important to stay in the now, and just really take it date by date. Over time, you truly get to know and see someone for who there. Always remember time is on your side, and do not start planning out your wedding from the second of meeting someone because most of the time that will end up in you just projecting what you want in a partner onto them. It is important to date in the now, reflect on your dating past, learn from your past dating experiences to seek out what you potentially want in a partner.

3. Do Focus on How You Feel

It is important to focus on how you feel. While your friends and family may like or love someone, it is important for you to feel those feelings as well since you will be spending a whole lot more time with them then they will. I feel it is also important to focus on what your gut is telling you. I can’t tell you how many times, one person in particular where I felt uneasy around, like something in my gut was telling me something off. Although I never pinned down what it was, I know now I am so happy I listened to my gut and walked away from that situation. Your body more than your mind and heart can pick up on things, that sometimes we ourselves cannot understand. Don’t forget to listen to your gut and lean into your feelings, since they will signal and let you know how you feel about someone. Many times, we misinterpret our feelings for liking someone a lot when it is more than that, so just feel your feelings, don’t feel one bit about it, since it will lead you to the right partner and rid you of the potential, toxic partners (I know some of you reading this have been there, you feel me?!).

4. Don’t Be Afraid to say Your Expectations

Seriously do not feel bad or be afraid to say what your expectations are when it comes to a potential partner. It is important to share and state your dating guidelines with you partner fairly early on to see if you two are even on the same page. Because I know from my own dating experiences, as well as friends and family that we end up dating someone for months, only to find out that they are just really not in the market for a serious relationship or finally figure out that they cannot live up to your expectations. My real, raw and honest advice is telling someone you are interested in is what you are looking for a partner.

If you do not, you may end up being frustrated and sad as to why things did not workout or why they are so many miscommunications between the two of you over time. Do not share a whole entire list with them, but do have (an) authentic conversation(s) with them over time in the early stages of dating, so it sets the foundation for a strong, withstanding relationship and eventual partnership down the dating road. Never lower your expectations to fit someone else’s idea of a relationship, do though have realistic expectations and exemplify them through your actions too. Let me just say you are worthy of someone f*cking amazing, and vice versa, never forget that honey, there is someone out there for each and every one of you (even if you have already met them and are committed, engaged or married).

5. Do Be Who You Are

Be unapologetically who you are to the core. And well if someone does not like you for you, then just wish them the best. It is so important to not become a version of yourself to fit that person’s ideal partner. I feel this is something that comes with time and gaining confidence in who you are. I always love to compare our twenties as each of us going into a costume shop and trying out different costumes, only to eventually walk out of there being completely fine in who we are. While you may have some insecurities which is completely normal, you should lean into those and see why you want to change those things about yourself. Is it family, friends or society telling you have to change who you are to be deemed worthy or beautiful, if so, listen yet tune into the pieces and parts who make up the person you are. Never doubt or forget, there is only one of you in this world, so keep being and doing you. Eventually in time, someone down the line will come into your life who loves you fully for all that makes you, you (the good, bad and in between). If someone truly loves you, they will love you not only at your best, but at your lowest. So continue to be who you are even if you feel like you do not fit the mold of those you see as your scroll on social media or in a small(ish) town like Boise, Idaho. Beauty goes beyond just looks, beauty can be found in your soul and shine through your spirit. Love hoo you are because you are truly F*CKING OWLSOME!!

ps I love owls, hoo would’ve known, just if you didn’t know that already, man you, yes the person reading this may think I am hoot, well that’s fine, cause I am me, and well you are you, so in the end that makes two of us (or maybe just one of you)

6. Don’t Judge by The First Date

I feel many of are guilty of judging someone off the first date, well at least I am. I feel it is important to go on a second or third date. Reason being, on the first date, most likely you and that person are fairly nervous if you have never met each other in person before. I really do feel it is important to not make assumptions of someone off just the first date, unless well if there are things that you do not see yourself being able to work pass. So give them and yourself a chance to really go on a couple or few dates, before making a rash decision about whether or not you want to date them. This goes for you people who have been talking forever over text or phone calls in getting to know someone, truly allow the date or dates to evolve into what they are meant to be, not an idealized idea of how the person should act or look in your head. Let your nerves settle down, and take your time in getting to know someone or even dating them, you can find out and connect with someone you may not have thought you would.

7. Do Meet Somewhere Public & Place You Both Like

It is important on a first date or even in the beginning stages of dating that you meet in a public place such as a populated park, restaurant or area where other people can see you. I say this because you never know who truly someone is even after talking for them a while and stalking them on social media (because we all do that, even if do not say so explicitly). It is important to also research someone before you meet up, just to make sure you are not going on a date with someone who could possibly cause harm to you. I say this because many of us nowadays likely meet someone online through a dating app, social media (Instagram or Facebook) or through a mutual friend. Last but not least, when meeting someone for the first time, pick a place you both like and feel comfortable meeting up at. When it comes to dating or just getting to know someone, it is crucial for you to feel secure and comfortable. If not, then please listen to your gut and do not meet up or go on a date with someone if you truly do not feel comfortable. Your body as I like to say sometimes knows better than your mind and heart. Trust your gut and intuition, as I like to say (or as someone told me long, long ago).

8. Don’t Forget to tell Family & Friends who You Are Going With

No matter what, do not forget to tell your family and friends who you are meeting or going on a date with. It is important to let those you are close know your whereabouts in case anything was to happen to you. So text when you arrive at your destination and when you leave to let those you love know you are safe. It may also be important to share your Snapchat location with a friend locally in case something was to happen to. You never know nowadays, so having tags on someone can help in making sure you are safe, and reassuring your loved ones you are too. I do not tell you this to scare you, yet this important to be in communication with your family or friends, even if you are meeting up with a friend or going on a hike alone, just so they know where you are. I always tell my family and sometimes my friends were I am going so they know, and can do something if something happens to me. Just do not forget to communicate and practice safety whenever you are going somewhere by yourself or with a friend, or meeting a new person.

The Destinations & Detours of Dating

I hope these “Dating Do’s & Don’ts” can help you as you continue on your dating journey, or even reflect on what dating was like for you before you met your forever person. I feel each person’s dating journey is different, yet similar. Some of us date more than others, and some of us have never been a long term relationship before. No matter where you are at in your dating journey, just know it is your journey, not anyone else’s. So do not compare your season of singleness to someone’s season of marriage. We all go through different seasons in life at different times, so appreciate the time you have.

Learn all you can about life and love, what you want and do not want in a future partner. Through dating, you will find more about yourself, who you want to be as a partner and what you seek in a relationship for it to be healthy, withstanding and for you feel fulfilled (and loved). Just remembering the longest relationship you’ll ever be in is the one with yourself, so learn to love yourself and the rest will follow (as they tend or like to say). Taking it day by day, date by date, you got this (and you can survive even those worst heartbreak and breakups — p.s. they will make you appreciate eventually your life long partner).

Learning to Let Go

Over the past month and half I have been processing through some emotions, and some things. As you step through life, stepping in and out, sometime in between those steps, you notice what you need to take with you and what you need to let go of. While making those steps, you learn who you are, what you want and maybe why you feel the way you do. So as I make these steps going forward, I am realizing there is something, or many things I need to let go of.

First, I need to let go of the feeling of not being wanted. I know I am cared and wanted by so many. But there are many days were I feel alone, crying and hurting, that truly no one cares. While this may be a surprise to those of you who do not know me that well, I wanted to let you know that you should always touch base with those you love and care about, because you never know what is going on behind the confined doors of social media. So truly I need to let go of this feeling that no one cares, because I know there are, whether only few who do care about me and my well-being and that is all should matter. Never forget, you matter and what you are feeling is valid, no matter how crazy someone may think or say it is — YOU MATTER!

Second, I found that I need to let go of a relationship that was no longer fulfilling me but rather crushing me. Lately I have been feeling that no matter how many times I attempt to put back the pieces that have been crushed, they just don’t fit and keep falling out of place. Maybe this is a sign that sometimes the one you have been holding so close, you just need to let them go. While letting go of someone who has seen you at some real shitty lows and amazing highs is beyond imaginable, I know I got this as I say this feeling beyond muddled and sunken in emotions. Sometimes stepping away and letting one go is the best you can do, not only for yourself but for maybe or hopefully for them too.

Third, I found I need to let go of social media. While this may not be easy, it is something I need to do and step away from because my mental health has suffered from it. Seeking approval from followers or likes seems to be what is next to seeking approval from our peers and mentors as we typically in do real life. So enough with social media. As of now, I am deciding I will only be on social media to share my blog posts, so if I do not like or comment on your recent post, please do not take it personally. So bye Instagram and Facebook for the time being, while I say I will miss you, at the same time I find it best that you take a break from seeking approval from fleeting likes, followers and I guess friends too.

While letting go of stuff, people and moments may be hard in the meantime. At this point in time, it is something I really need to do in order to get back on track to feeling like me, the girl who is and only should be living her life on her terms, no one else’s. Well anyway, if you are feeling the way I am or go through something that is bodging you down, I would highly suggest letting go of that thing, thought or person because if you never do, you will never know what else you could let in that could really change your life and help you step in to where you want to go.

Snapshots

In the age of social media we live in a world of snapshots, capturing the bits and moments we only want people to see. But what would we say or do, if we could real and raw in a world where we feel like we will never measure up in the eyes of social media. In this blog post and poem, you fill just that and much more, enjoy!

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Filtered

Living in Our Own Bubbles

Living in the age of

social media, captions and hashtags

or what about how many followers and likes you have,

And how many of those were given,

Are your followers real or fake, or just some filtered image

of someone we want to be

and what we want others to see,

when all I want to show is the real me,

but who I am without the presets

Be good enough to make it in the filtered world,

of us living in our own bubbles

(Oops popped your bubble, now put down the phone to realize you aren’t living in a world alone, just a world of everyone on their phones)

Sincerely,

Someone

Something to Someone

From now on, I have decided I will be writing a blog post every Monday dedicated to Mental Health called Mental Monday because many of us ourself, a dear friend or a loved one deals with some form of mental health. I do not want to refer to mental health as an issue, rather I am hoping to break down the stigma surrounding it because what better world would this be if we were allowed to express ourself and how we felt, instead of bottling it all up. So each Monday will be a message in a bottle to let you know you matter, and your mental health also does too. Starting with this Monday I wanted to start of the week with letting you know you are something to someone, even if you feel alone. You are never nothing to no one, but something to someone and much more. My dear, the one who is reading this, this poem in all its’ entirety (words & emotions) is for you:

Something to Someone

Nothing to No One

Anything to Anyone

Everything to Everyone

I just want to be something to someone

Not nothing to no one

And anything to anyone

Even Everything to Everyone

But I know I am not the only one

who see’s the rain in the rainbow

the sun in the sunshine

and the dark in the darkness of the night sky

the sunsets before the sunrises

I see a day before me

I see the hours as they disappear by

I count the months as they pass me by

I bring years with me

And I feel I have decades to go

But what if I only had today and not tomorrow

Would I be something for someone,

nothing to no one,

not anything to anyone,

but everything to everyone?

I guess I am not the only one,

The only one who feels

lost and found in a world

of selfies and likes

and each other’s highlight reels,

since the real of reality

is we are all searching to find

our identity

our community

our city

I guess that is why me is a part of home

Finding your home within the masses

of lost and found people & places

But within those spaces

you will find traces of faces

who let you know you are something to someone,

maybe even someone’s something

and that you are not nothing to no one

anything to anyone,

but everything to everyone who knows you.

I wrote this poem to celebrate who we are as individuals. I know many of us feel disconnected in a connected world. Many of us deal with anxiety and depression in part to the world we live in, and in part to social media. While social media is something most of us use, it can cause many of us including myself to not feel like we are successful enough, fit enough, pretty enough or simply enough. In writing this poem I wanted and want you to know you are enough on days that are tough, and on days where everything is going right. Life comes in waves but if you can ride the tide you will come to realize there is always people by your side (even if feel alone) that will swim depths for you (and keep your head above water). So let these words sink in because sometimes we feel we will never make it through this season of our life, but believe me you will and you will always be something to someone (family, friends, followers, acquaintances and possible fur friends included).

I Am Deplorable

In this past week I have been mulling over the idea of how many of us feel like we are so disconnected in a connected world, and feel like our opinion does not matter. I have many conversations with friends who feel like they are stigmatized or simply feel alone in how they feel. So I thought why don’t we just stop beating around the bush and just speak our silence. In this moment of feeling lost, or why should I even share my voice, I felt this phrase “I Am Deplorable” repeat again and again in on my mind, no matter how hard I tried it would not go away. So I started creating a poem in my mind of how many of us myself include feel about the world we live in, while many of us may have different perspectives of what that may look like, this is what I came up with:

I Am Deplorable

I am deplorable…
I am deplorable to those around me
I am deplorable to my thoughts
I am deplorable to you,
I am deplorable to them,
I am deplorable to disconnected people,
in a supposedly connected world
where everyone thinks they are important
than the person right next to them
I am deplorable to capital America,
falling victim to consumerism
and unrealistic beauty standards
and a world where real issues seem fake
as our world continues to bake.


I am deplorable to the thought that
our body and voice matters
when clearly we still live in an age
where I am just another page in a book
the chapter the reader decided to skip,
so they could get to the end faster.


I am deplorable to slowing down
Because you got to keep up with the Jones
To stay relevant in our touch and go world
I am deplorable to likes and comments
And how many followers do you have?
Cause I could have many, but do not feel like
Anyone really cares anymore
We just focus on the before and after
Not the now and forever.


I am deplorable to not appreciating those close
To me
Because of fear of missing out.


I am deplorable to my phone
My computer
My credit card
Because if there was no me
Then what would this world be
Would people know they are seen,
Heard and loved
Cause I guess you cannot say hi
Without feeling like the person you are talking with
wants to say goodbye.


I guess I am just deplorable to the idea
Of intimate relationships with those around me
Because we are more concerned about our dates
With fate
Our image
Our age
Our page in the story,
I wish we weren’t deplorable
But with every day I feel we are just
Pieces of paper
Posts of captured moments
And no longer living in the moment
But rather building tents of intent
Intent to be better than the person next to them
Plenty of times, I bet you have felt deplorable
But you are capable of so much more
More than what you think this life has in store for you.