I Am Deplorable

In this past week I have been mulling over the idea of how many of us feel like we are so disconnected in a connected world, and feel like our opinion does not matter. I have many conversations with friends who feel like they are stigmatized or simply feel alone in how they feel. So I thought why don’t we just stop beating around the bush and just speak our silence. In this moment of feeling lost, or why should I even share my voice, I felt this phrase “I Am Deplorable” repeat again and again in on my mind, no matter how hard I tried it would not go away. So I started creating a poem in my mind of how many of us myself include feel about the world we live in, while many of us may have different perspectives of what that may look like, this is what I came up with:

I Am Deplorable

I am deplorable…
I am deplorable to those around me
I am deplorable to my thoughts
I am deplorable to you,
I am deplorable to them,
I am deplorable to disconnected people,
in a supposedly connected world
where everyone thinks they are important
than the person right next to them
I am deplorable to capital America,
falling victim to consumerism
and unrealistic beauty standards
and a world where real issues seem fake
as our world continues to bake.

I am deplorable to the thought that
our body and voice matters
when clearly we still live in an age
where I am just another page in a book
the chapter the reader decided to skip,
so they could get to the end faster.

I am deplorable to slowing down
Because you got to keep up with the Jones
To stay relevant in our touch and go world
I am deplorable to likes and comments
And how many followers do you have?
Cause I could have many, but do not feel like
Anyone really cares anymore
We just focus on the before and after
Not the now and forever.

I am deplorable to not appreciating those close
To me
Because of fear of missing out.

I am deplorable to my phone
My computer
My credit card
Because if there was no me
Then what would this world be
Would people know they are seen,
Heard and loved
Cause I guess you cannot say hi
Without feeling like the person you are talking with
wants to say goodbye.

I guess I am just deplorable to the idea
Of intimate relationships with those around me
Because we are more concerned about our dates
With fate
Our image
Our age
Our page in the story,
I wish we weren’t deplorable
But with every day I feel we are just
Pieces of paper
Posts of captured moments
And no longer living in the moment
But rather building tents of intent
Intent to be better than the person next to them
Plenty of times, I bet you have felt deplorable
But you are capable of so much more
More than what you think this life has in store for you.

The 23rd Year Of Me

Today I turn 24 and close the chapter of the 23rd year of my life. During this year, I learned so much about myself and life. I learned you cannot count on those who thought you could. And found out that people’s perceptions of you may not ring true to what you are and actually went through. I found this to ring true when I found myself in a position where those around me thought what I was doing awesome, which I thought too. Only I later found out through the first eight months of my 23rd year I would be riding a rollercoaster. A rollercoaster of some major ups and pitfall downfalls, where there were days I felt truly alone. Since I guess standing up for yourself and something that is not right means you reap the result of victim blaming. In this raw and cutting part of my story, I related to those who faced similar stories and decided it was time for me to leave that chapter of my life behind me. And leaving that part of this chapter behind allowed me to move on and write a much better and happier chapter. A chapter where I stepped away from social media and focused on what makes me happy and that is how Mildly Me came about. I decided I always wanted to start a blog where I could celebrate self-expression. Allowing each and every one who visits this blog to embrace what make them who they are. So today I embark on another year of life and invite you to be a part of embracing what makes you, welcome to Mildly Me my dear.

Be Mildly You

I started the blog, Mildly Me since I wanted a space where I could connect with you. I was truly seeking a place where I could be my truly self and where others could express themselves for who they are. I wanted a place where we could talk about all things life, wellness and yes poetry. I found through coming up with a name, is that many us feel like we need to be mildly who they are, either you are too quiet or too loud so I feel most of us go through life being a mild (or maybe a wild child) version of ourself.

In this blog, I will share things I have and am going through, I guess you could say sharing life stories and possibly some life advice that you choose to take or just completely ignore, that’s cool too. I want you to feel welcome in this space to be who you are and for us to connect as if we were having a conversation over coffee in one of those Instagramable cafes, wherever you may be, but for me that would be beautiful Boise, Idaho (the land of potatoes). Here you are not alone, not anyone, but someone I want to get to know. I want to here your story, ask anyone and they would tell you I have conversations with random people and learn about their life story usually within 5 minutes in; I guess you could say it’s the journalist to me. In all honesty, I simply love getting to know people and hearing their story, each unique and beautiful.

This blog will also be a place where I will share with you everything wellness, which is mainly inspired by my continuous uphill, and somewhat downhill battle with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), which many of you may have never heard of it until right now. While this is an awfully rare syndrome, it has immensely impacted my life since my sophomore year of college, when I guess you could say my life was turned upside down. I know my battle is not the same as yours or anyone out there, but I am hoping through sharing my wellness journey we can better together, mentally, physically and emotionally; overall let’s get better to feel better (and have fun while doing — healthy fun — no pop champagne on this blog— well maybe occasionally to celebrate– cheers to you)

Last, but not least I will be sharing some of my poetry on here. If you know me then you probably know I love to write poetry — and used to share it on Instagram (@ahootofapoet), but stopped doing so about a year ago. Well now I feel there are some things that need to be said, and for people to hear to know they are not alone. I really hope through sharing my poems (words with feelings) that we can relate, laugh and maybe inspire one another to show some love to one another. Through my poetry, I really hope to show you (awesome if you read this far) that you have a friend in me, and maybe you can find a part of yourself in a poem or too. Words are so powerful, so let’s use them to empower each other 🙂

Again, welcome to Mildly Me, a place where you get to be you (the wild child you always wanted to be ) and get to be inspired and connected to all things life, wellness and yes poetry (no, I am no Poet but an aching, aspiring Poet)

Sincerely Someone,

Mildly Maddie

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8 Things You May Not Know About Me

  1. I care more about you, then me

While the blog name of Mildly Me may imply that this blog is all about me, it is not. When I came up with the blog name, I wanted to represent you and be a place for you to express yourself. Since many of us go through life thinking we need to be this or that, or need to calm down or be more outgoing. I honestly think who you are is perfect despite what you may think, or have and continue be told. Be bold and don’t sell yourself short. Know I care about you so much, whether you are a friend or simply someone reading this blog, always remember to be true to your hue.

2. I was a total tomboy growing up

Growing up, I loved being able to explore my environment and trying new things. As a kid, I always wanted to play outside versus stay in and play with barbies. I even remember at age 3, I learned how to ride a bike and from there I wanted to learn how to ride a motorcycle like all the boys were at the time. Being a tomboy at a young age was hard, since I never felt like I fitted in. I would try to copy what the girls my age were doing and would just feel lost, or even judged by the people I was trying so hard to fit in with. From a very young age, I learned who I was and who I wanted to be. Sometimes, you never fit the mold, but that’s okay. I feel if there is something that makes you different, you should celebrate and embrace it. Every day I am still working on celebrating who I am, while celebrating who you are. Just remember, why be someone you are not when you got something about you that makes you different from the rest of the crowd.

3. I struggle and continue to struggle with my mental health

From a young age, I have fought to be who I am today. My mental health struggles started out when I was a kid who went back and forth between parents houses, maybe you can relate. But being in a constant state of switching back and forth between homes led to me being two different people to satisfy who I thought I needed to be. I even remember having thoughts as a kid as to I wander what this world would be without me. I feel sometimes we make our struggles just about ourself, but when we step out of the mindset we realize there our outward factors affecting how we inwardly treat and think about ourself. I guess you could say one has to be both selfish and selfless when it comes to their mental health. I did not realize I was missing the balance between what got me here versus where do I want to go, because sometimes when you are in a state crisis you just think about who you are in this moment. And that was when I realized as my mental health ebbed and flowed throughout the years, it’s all about balance.

But I lost my balance this year when it came to a job where I gave more than myself to make someone else happy or content, I lost myself. With each panic attack, I felt I could no longer be a warrior but was a slave to my feelings. Never before had I experienced such bad depression, anxiety and panic attacks then I did from my last job as tv news producer. Thankful I found the courage in my heart to stand up and walk away from something that was truly tearing me down then building me up. Realizing that balance between give and take, always put me back in place when I give more than I should to those around me, since I care so much about people.

4. I rather avoid my fears than face them head on

I have so many fears and I know you do too. I feel many of us fear how we will be perceived. And for the longest time I did not start a blog until now because I thought no one will care about what I have to say. Then, I came to the realization that each of us have something to say, and that we deserved to be heard. And facing our fears can be quite scary. So yes I was afraid to start a blog, afraid of what you may think of me and where this blog may go. I feel many of the times our fears hold us back from truly embracing life. Life is about never holding back from the what ifs, because years from now you will wander what if I did not tell that person I cared about them, or took that once in a lifetime trip to mark something off my bucket list. Life is full of bucket list moments, it is just how much you choose to face your fears head on, if you want to enjoy this one life we are given.

5. I rarely ever wear makeup, unless it is a special ocassion

I feel as a human we are told by the media for the most part that we need to look and dress a certain way. I feel many of us wear makeup since we want to coverup or highlight the parts of us who make us who we are. I remember from young age playing with barbies and thinking I do not look like that, I’m not like every other girl who enjoys dressing up or putting on make up. Make up to me felt like a chore through my teenage years and then when I got to college I realized to bare who I was, which was someone who enjoyed simplicity and did not need makeup to feel good about myself. There are days here and there, ok most days, that I definitely wear concealer to cover up those dark circle and baggy under eyes . I do see the purpose of makeup and feel pretty when I wear it but I also feel secure in my skin when I do not have any make up at all, I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone and try embracing your flaws, we all of them. As I tend to say to myself as a mantra and now I am saying to you is that, you are perfect in your imperfections.

6. I am adventorous and embrace new experiences

I am adventorous but not Ralph Waldo Emerson by any means. I appreciate nature but I do not want to be one with nature. Being out in nature though can be cure for the soul. I feel each of us have a soul different from the person next to you, that you have a reason to be here and a lesson to teach to those around you, so embrace what fuels your soul. With that being said, embracing new experiences and people has taught me to be more open-minded and not be completely judgemental of someone up front, which I used to be. As I get older (okay almost 24 is not that old) I realize being open to life, you can learn a lot about yourself and the world that surrounds you. So starting today, let’s be adventoruous and have the grace to embrace the places we visit and the faces we meet.

7. I put the Poe in Poet

As some of you may now, I write poetry in my free time. I do not write poetry for any type of noriety, but as a way to express and understand myself through words and emotions. I find through writing poems you can really see what a feeling felt like and what a memory meant. If you have never wrote a single poem in your life, I encourage you to just give it a go. When writing a poem, don’t care what people are going to think of you. Think about what you want to say. Putting what you hoped to had said or want to say on paper can really help when it comes to processing your thoughts and emotions. If you are ever want to write a poem or are in need of some poetry, feel free to reach out to me. Being the hoot of a poet I am, I love to hear what people have to say with their words, words can be oh so powerful when you string them together on a page, and rhyme a line or two. Together, you and me let’s put the Poe in poet.

8. I dabble in way too many things

Welp, if you know me or are just getting to know me, you may now that I love to wear a variety of hats. I love to write but I also love to learn a new skill like coding. In life I am constantly learning as a mechanism to distract myself from the uncertainity of life. I find dabbling in a bunch of things helps me connect to you, but I also feel at times I am being spread way too thin. While I encourage you to expand your horizons and be a human of many skills, I also encourage you to take time for yourself. I did not realize how important self care was until I was left feeling drained at the end of day. Yes, you can accomplish so much, but you can also do too much. Over time I realized while I enjoy doing many different things, I also enjoy having time to myself to relax an reflect. Life is meant to be enjoyed not for you to be burnt out or stressed out.

Now you know, 8 Things You May Have Not Known About Me until reading this. I am so grateful to you the person who read this, now go celebrate what makes you, you.