Tag: Lifestyle

My Semicolon Story

I recently came across a social media post sharing that this week is National Suicide Prevention Week, hence the semicolon (;) reference to represent mental health and suicide prevention. While I have gone back and forth with sharing my experience along with people in my life who I have lost to or survived suicide, I thought maybe my bravery could help one person feel less alone in a silent battle they may be fighting, have fought or are witnessing a close family member or friend struggle with as a result of mental health. I think speaking about mental health should be as normal as one sharing about their physical health, but unfortunately we are all not there yet. That is okay, but we can do better.

My hope in sharing my personal story is in no way for you on the other side to feel pity, but to have an open heart and mind to those you interact with on a daily basis. Anyway, let’s get into the trenches of my journey. From a young age, which I did not realize until going through therapy recently, I have dealt with suicidal ideation. I used to think it was something I should keep to myself, suffering in silence but using humor as a mask to show I am fine. But what I’ve learned is that it helps to share when you are experiencing these unexplainable, hard, and dark moments in life. Throughout my therapy journey, I have realized the more you talk about stigmatized topics, like mental health, the less alone you feel in these experiences and thoughts, despite how isolating they can feel in the moment.

Seeing that this week is Suicide Prevention Week, I look back at a friend who I worked with years ago who I felt I missed the signs with. I felt this person was just doing certain actions for attention, but what they were doing was seeking help and guidance in what was one of their darkest moments. Unfortunately people did not see those actions as such and ostracized this person, instead of reaching out a hand to help and to offer an ear to listen to and truly see what was going on underneath the armor this person was wearing and the weight they were carrying around. Another experience I think of is someone close to me who I found out after the fact; it broke my heart. Fortunately this person is still with us, and will continue to change lives through their work in the mental health field.

I guess what I am saying in sharing these lived experiences of those close with me, is that there are no clear signs. At times you may be caught off guard or not understand why: they seemed so happy, they seemed so successful, they seemed like they had it altogether? On the other side of the coin, they may seem so depressed, so moody, so defiant and so who any number of things.

Mental health is not black and white, there is a lot of grey. Much of it we as a society still really do not understand, even after years of research and funding into various projects and non-profits tasked with addressing and understanding mental health and suicide. I think the reason we do not understand is because mental health tends to not be seen or spoken about as if it could be physically seen like someone breaking their arm and needing to wear a sling or cast for their arm to fully heal. I like to say mental health can be visibly invisible, since it can be hidden and shown very well depending on the person. My hope through sharing this is to shine a light on how complex mental health, specifically suicide, is. Addressing mental health is not a one size fits all approach, it is meeting someone where they are at and truly listening to what they are saying and sharing how you feel they could be best helped. At the end of the day, it comes to them, not you. You can do all in your power to help someone, but they first have to want to help themselves, that’s where it all gets complicated.

If you are in need of help, I suggest looking up mental health services in your area, reaching out to someone you trust to share what you are going through, or calling 988.

Let’s break the stigma around mental health, share our stories (struggles included) proudly, and take a moment out of our busy lives to stop, smile and talk with a stranger. Offer them a compliment, someone to small talk with, or a kind act such as a hug. I know kindness and humility hasn’t been lost on us as a society, so show understanding in all those who’s paths you have and will cross. Life’s not a zero sum game, it is about reaching out when you need help and getting up, no matter how many times you get knocked down. Your story has meaning, you have a purpose in this life, share your’s with this world, yet do not lose reading a page or two out of someone else’s story too.

PS we show the world mild versions of ourselves, toned up and down for certain people and situations. When will we share fully who we all are in our successes and struggles, all making up who we are in this life? Keeping being you, letting your light shine through in the darkest and brightest of moments!

RAW

Raw, when you think of what this word spells backwards, you would notice it spells out war. And for some reason, I feel both raw and at war with all my feels currently. I guess you could blame it on Mercury retrograde. Or maybe it has been a while since I have been fully alone, and I am not dating anyone, yet I do have one person on mind and well some of my close friends know who it is. Anyway besides the fact, I honestly have not been happier at this moment in my life. In being in that state of emotion, I have recognized the people and situations that no longer serve me. I guess when you grow, well you sometimes outgrow people and things. I have noticed I have been more guarded and careful about how I give my energy to things and people around me. It is like one of my friends said, “life is all about perspective and how you choose to look at it.”

During this time, when I have taken a break from blogging, I have had so much time to think. To think about my past, to think about now and to think about where I am going. I know I cannot go back and change what happened but I do have control over how I react going forward. In being in this state of mind, I have felt both raw and war with my emotions and thoughts. I have caught myself realizing that I have spent most of my life making other people happy, and leaving my happiness to be secondary. It is crazy it took me a quarter of century to get to this point, but I am real proud of myself. I am also proud of you, the person reading this who fights silent battles in being vulnerable in your raw, realness and who may be at war with the ever fleeting, haunting thoughts in your mind. I know life is not a road map of directions you can follow, but rather an individual journey each of us are on.

I have learned that I will never stop comparing myself to another, it is a part of human nature. But in the moment I need to keep in mind we are all on different chapters in life, some of us are single as a Pringle as I am, others are finding or have found the love of their life and settling down into what it means for two lives to become one. All I know is somedays, I am raw and real with myself and others, and other times I am just at war with all that makes me, me. I know each of us face this dilemma; of looking within and out to see what we are lacking and are out to gain. No matter what you go through, know it is never a loss but so much you have to gain. A heartbreak may make you feeling you’ll never love again because the pain is so great, but you will and I promise it will be better than you imagined. A failure may take you to a place you never knew existed, but in that space you will find success for a gift you never or maybe always knew you had. Raw or at war with who you are, know you will always make it to other side, just keep moving forward, leaning on those who love you and being you, and only you!

I Got Your Msg

I got your message is such a common thought in my mind lately. Because I feel this can either mean two things, I actually got your message or got what you are saying. As I think of this phrase I think over the interactions I have had over the past year and half of my life, which many of my friends coined as the Mandemic. I guess I became a joke in the midst of pandemic. Glad I survived and found the only person I can count on is me, only me. I have found that ending a relationship that was going nowhere was something I should have done long ago. But me being me, I am people pleaser. I always people’s happiness before mine. Nine times out of ten it may leave a bruise or two, but I would rather be known for being kind and giving people many chances. I noticed though that I have danced with the devil way many more times than I can count, because all I was wanting to be thought of was as this perfect, sweet angel. I noticed in always trying to be the nice person, people will take advantage of you, take your thoughts and twist them to make you feel like you are out of your mind, and make you wonder where you went wrong. I have noticed that sticking up for yourself simply means letting go of people and things that no longer serve you. So I erased those texts you sent and no longer picked up the phone, maybe then you will get my message or maybe you will never get it. But no matter what the outcome is, unread text or voicemail, I know I kept myself by not allowing you in time, time again to just cause me pain, to hate who I am, to not feel enough, to just feel like a liability.

I know I have the ability to construct my words in a way that may make sense to you the person reading this. I hope though if you do not understand me, maybe you never will, I will have the capability to let you know have the ability to do whatever you want with your life. I used to think I had to make my enemies, the ones who left me on read to understand me. What I came to know is you cannot get someone to understand you when they cannot even understand who they are. I may care too much about the people who I cross paths with, but I know maybe one day they will hopefully embody being kind, understanding and just being who they want to be. I feel many of us just wear a mask, put out this front and facade like we all have it figured it out and have our shit together. The truth is we are all just figuring it out. Yet what I feel we lack as humans is completely abandoning that there is another person on the other side of the conversation. So instead of telling them that you will not be arriving at the same destination, you swerve, ghost and ride off in another direction. In the case of a intersection, you look to the traffic lights to guide you on what you should do. You ask the universe for advice, you ask your family and friends what should I do. While I feel it is okay to ask, I also feel this is your life, so send that damn message and if they do not respond or do not feel the same way, know you are still the one and only one of you, and there is going to be someone one day who will get you for you.

I am so sicken tired of asking if they got the message. I am so sick of people who just play mind games with the messages they send. I am done with those messages that come through, only to mess with your mind and make you feel crazy for feeling anything. I know I may know a thing or two, but the one thing I know is between you and me, the sender and recipient is let’s not play monkey in the middle, just straight up tell the person and say how you feel. At the end of the day, we worry so much and read between lines that are not even there, convincing ourselves that this thing or person is right for us, when clearly, most of the time it is not. So yeah maybe, they will get the message one day, but in all honesty, they may never get it.

Whether they will get it or not, it is not up to you to decide, the choice is in their court. So you can either be the player or get played, I have been on both sides. No matter which way you go, you will win some and lose some. Just know you got yourself. If you got you, know you have the courage to send that real message of how you truly feel to someone, be kind though. Either way, I got left on read or got your message, know your value is not attached to the outcome of what happens next. Know how people act is most of the time not a reflection of you, but their own self. Selfless or selfish, I got your msg, I read it, I smiled, I cried, I thought of you, I thought what could be. So next time, you get a call, voicemail, text or DM, know you got the message, it is okay what you do next (just remember to be kind).

PS I got your msg, not sure how to feel all about it, really?! Ever got a msg, left it on read or responded right back, only for you to be on cloud nine or feeling like you digging for fools gold in a non-existent goldmine. Only to say I am fine (really not, whenever someone says that). Time after time, we will continue to say I got your msg whether in actuality or figuratively, so got your msg, what will I say or do next………. (duh dun, we may never know, the never ending carousel of messages continues)

Why Did You Go?

The past week of life has been like riding a rollercoaster to say the least, I ended an unhealthy, detrimental relationship, and for me not being further harassed that is what I will leave it at. I just want you to know, the person reading this, if you do not feel loved, accepted, or harassed, you have the power to leave and close the door on that person or even people in this case. I want you to know that is family is what you make out of it, that your friends can step in to be just that. And if you do not have many family or friends to lean on, know you will make it through whatever you may be facing. I know each of us are fighting a battle we do not share, or have struggled to make it through, so I award you for your strength for staying after being continuously hurt, broken down to pieces, you are now collecting like shattered glass beneath your feet. With each step you take, know deep down, trust in yourself that you are headed in the right direction, even if you feel you are not.

And while people may ask, why did you go? You can decide whether or not that deserves an answer. You have the power to stay or go. You have the strength to overcome what or whoever may have brought or is bringing you down, know you can always rise up from the deepest of depths. I commend each of you for chasing after what your sets your soul on fire, and if you do not know what that is, keep going, you will find it. I believe each of us have a reason to be here, yet have a reason to choose who we surround ourself with. I know leaving can be so hard, especially when there is a lengthy and close relationship you are attached to. I know cutting ties is not easy when so many knots have been tied, making it hard to cut through all that has left you tied to a person or a situation. I hope you know that you have the courage to speak up, express your true self and walk away from people who continue to judge and bring you down, time after time, simply let go and move on.

I hope you know letting go can be a form of forgiveness, yet not forgetting. You can always learn from what went wrong in your past, and choose what feels right for your future. You know yourself best. Those who truly care for you, will not hold you back but rather love you unconditionally and want the best for you. So whatever or whoever is holding you back, let them go, move forward. If you feel you are not making progress, or a change, those small steps and choices will lead you to the greatest moments and accomplishments in your life. So if they ask you, why did you go? You can just say life is too short to not stay true to who you are, what you want out of life and how you build the legacy you will one day leave behind?

So, why did you go? Well I would say that I stopped running back to and started stepping towards, and venturing the path that has always been in front of me, we all take different pathways in life, but we choose the paths we continue to venture on or pave the path we know walk on. Life is a truly a journey, find the little moments of joy when you can, cherish and enjoy it, since it all eventually ends just as it has begun, so run towards the moments, places and people who make you feel at home, no matter where you go, what you do, who and how you become as a human being.

PS you do not need to provide an answer to every question, you can simply allow your actions to speak the words you or others choose to say about you. Life your life unapologetically by being you, being kind and and always being one of a kind, that’s the MILDLY ME within you to be whoever you damn please while being still sweet as honey with the sting of the bee, never once again, forgetting to BE KIND!

Getting Through

Somedays like today felt like I was simply trying to get through. I know many of you reading this feel this way at times, when you are just trying to get to the next day. I know each day brings its’ own set of triumphs, struggles or mediocrities. Knowing we do not have to be perfect but to be just who we are is sometimes we all need to hear. I feel many of us are trying to live up to standards (from society, media, loved ones and ourself) that are simply unattainable. That is okay.

It is okay to not feel like you are reaching new heights. It is okay to not be checking off checklist items off your daily list of tasks. It is okay to not know who you are yet. All of the things and people we struggle with are forming us into who we are and how we choose to treat those around us. So getting through isn’t just getting by. It is someone who may be have been on a never ending run where the finish line keeps getting moved up, just as they get close. It is someone who may have poured heart out to their crush to only be rejected. It someone who may be struggling to just get up in the morning and roll out of bed to live another day on the hamster wheel of life, so many of us continue to roll on and fall of of. It is not knowing what is next that can stop someone from going forward out of paralyzing anxiety, or fear they are not good enough.

Some say fake it to you’ll make it, yet I believe those who even say that are afraid too. We are all scared of what maybe the next day, month or year may hold, but we have is now, each other and ourself. So if no one has told you this, getting through will always be good enough. You are never too much or too little, you are just right for those who truly love and care about you. Getting through yet another let down means you are being set up for some of the greatest moments.

Don’t lose yourself in a sea of a doubt, and if you feel lost, I am sending and throwing out a life raft to you to remind you, you matter, your thoughts are valid and your dreams can become a reality. Just keep believing, because there are many who have faith in you and know that getting through will lead you right to them. Keep pushing, keep challenging all that constrains you and keep going, you’ll get through, I got you hun, you are right around the corner of getting through and to all that is meant for you, which is far greater than you may have ever imagined, you are magical in simply being just you, if they discount you, you are getting through to me. Getting through to all the doubters. Getting through your own self doubt. Getting through all the negativity to finally to grasp on to and see the light of getting through the darkness that once haunted you. Getting through goes beyond just beginning, middle and end of one’s life story. You have the power to rewrite your story, make memories you cherish beyond time and live each moment this life gives you with intent.

Poser

Lately the word, “poser” keeps coming to mind, and I honestly don’t know why. When you think of poser, what or who do you think of? I for some reason think about all of the people I see on social media, like Instagram or Facebook. I think about the people who just show the highlight reel of their lives. When we all know damn well, we are all going through something that we aren’t deciding to share on social media. But what about if social media was not a highlight reel, but a highlight REAL. We all live real lives, have real issues and do some really awesome things. Really though, but why do we decide to knit pick and not showcase pieces the behind of the scenes of our lives.

I feel if more people on social media did that, it would make them more relatable and let them know what they go through is not abnormal. Yet influencers or celebrities decide to take hiatuses, then come back and act like nothing really ever happened. I think it all comes to transparency. Being transparent about who you are, what you stand for and how you choose to live your life. I feel in some aspects we are all posers, even I’d call myself a poser since I choose to keep pieces of my life private and decide not show the not so great experiences, well I sometimes do on here.

Besides the fact, imagine if we lived our lives without filters, presets, FaceTune or followers, how would life look to you if none of that existed? I sometimes feel life would be better without aspects of social media, such as followers, since it puts people on pedestals that they are bound to fall off of or be in a constant battle of comparing yourself to someone else. I at times, catch myself like many of you, feeling like I am not enough and emulating parts of people I look up to you, but in the end that just leaves me feeling empty. I have learned with time, you hold so much power in just being you, the right people will decide to stay in your life for the right reasons, and you honestly become a healthier mentally and physically. While at the end of the day, we may all be posers at some points in our lives, that’s okay, but never forget to be who you are, you hold so much power in being unapologetically you.

PS part of the reason I started the blog, Mildly Me was because I felt many, myself included show the world mild versions of who we are, in order to fit in and feel like we can survive this wild world we exist in. We all have been posers at points in our lives, felt like we were the losers on the winning team, only to find out we hold that superpower within who we are (whatever that may be, share it with the world and don’t let the haters get to you, you’ll forever be a winner in my and many hearts and eyes!!)

Ghosters: Modern Day Daters

Have you ever been ghosted or been the ghoster? Seriously, I think we all can admit we have either had this happen to us or been the one to do the ghosting. And if you are wondering what ghosting is, well pretty much it is when someone, specifically a love interest disappears out of thin air, never responding to that text(s), leaving you scratching your head, like what happened or glad I called the shot on that one. I feel ghosting has been happening since the dawn of time, just has looked different over the years, especially prevalent within our modern day society being rooted so much in wanting the next shiny thing, and wanting things instantaneously. Even myself has been ghosted before, and have even done the ghosting. Through dating, I have learned that ghosting honestly really has not much to do with you, it really has a lot to do with the other person.

A lot of the times, people do not know how to tell you they are just simply not feeling it or maybe you are just another person on their lineup of all the people they are talking to, or maybe even dating. With that being said, it can heartbreaking not getting that text or call from that person, at the same time it can show you there is something and someone to better to come in time. I have also realized that ghosting is quite childish, like if you cannot tell someone how you feel in a nice, clear and concise way, than are really an adult. While it easier to not say anything it all, it is also kind of you to tell someone how you truly feel and then turn the page. I feel in me being honest during dating, it has saved me some heartache but I have also experienced my fair share of breaking someone else’s heart, but with not so great guy or date, it will all lead you to the love of your life. I really truly believe there is a person out there for each and every one of you, don’t settle until then.

Keeping in mind though that we all live in the Information Age, where we are all hoping to find love. Sometimes, the person we were interested in may end up being ghoster, aha I love to call them Casper the ghoster. Or at times, we may even unintentionally doing the ghosting, since we just do not know how to tell someone where we are at, or maybe we just aren’t simply feeling it. No matter what it may be, always stay true to who you are and love unapologetically.

It is funny as I write this, I have had a few guys come to mind. One of them being a guy, who I met through a friend and said we would celebrate New Years together, but then just dropped off the face of the Earth and stopped texting me when that day rolled around.. And then out of the blue decided to text me on Valentines Day of 2016 saying he wanted to give me kiss, and I said peace out Nick (sorry not sorry). In the past year of 2020, I had myself a couple of ghosters, but for the sake of not exposing them, since I am kind, and well guys Nick was just prick, like wish him the best, but damn that is a bridge I burned and never want to have to cross over, ever again. Enough with what’s his name lol. Anyway so most recently in 2020, I guess you could say dated, but I would really call it talting (talking/dating–I just made up a word, don’t mind me).

The first one, we will call Myles (ps his name starts with K, so you can figure that one out), he had just gotten out of a very long term relationship and decided that I would become his therapist. I love helping and listening, but it came to a point of almost being draining. I also found it really weird that I was put onto a pedestal and idolized by this person, who really didn’t seem to know who they were, I get it, we are all trying to figure out who we are. But I just love for people to be who they are, nothing less. Anyway, he made a move on me which threw me for a loop then proceeded to mess with my feelings and decided to eventually ghost me, so there’s that. Some people just keep you around for their own selfish reasons, until something or someone comes around and they drop you like a fly, and then you become that fly on the wall. I wish him and his new love interest the best, but for some reason I feel I am still getting deja vu and guessing there is noting new, well there is with me, but I am keeping that top secret and my life has never been better, thanks M!

And the second and last one, we will call Barry (ps His name starts with… the letter I just capitalized). Wow I am really barring my skeletons to you guys, aha you all haven’t even seen half of it, I am not about putting about people on blast and feel for the most part I am withholding details that would disclose who someone is). Man well Barry, he was a good guy and we had really deep, good conversations for four months yet it never become more unfortunately. I tend to think I was just another chick on his list of other chicks. I find it funny though how someone can completely go ice cold on you while being luke warm for a while, guess it all just fizzled out and just wasn’t meant to be as they like to say. I wish him the best though, just wish I wasn’t thrown out of someone’s life by them like a crumbled piece of paper into a trash can of left on read.

I think we all have in some capacity experienced being ghosted, or been the ghoster. Or even being left on read for no reason at all, other than the person not having the courage to tell you they moved on, since no one wants to be the bad guy. You can be the good person, by simply telling someone how you truly feel, whether it breaks their heart or you fall madly in love, love is not a winning or losing game, it is the true test of life and you eventually bringing in new life to this world. So be honest with yourself and another person when you are out there dating, or even a committed relationship, it goes a long way, farther than you may expect. Last but not least, don’t be a ghoster (me, guilty) or get bogged down by being ghosting (I’ve been there, you aren’t alone), our past ghosters may haunt us or we may haunt them, no matter what it may be always cherish your time with someone, whether they are now a part of your past or currently in your present, be and love hoo you are because your OWLSOME (ending this with a good old owl pun, ps I have an owl obsession if you didn’t already know about that).

Accountability

Lately I have been thinking about accountability. I have been thinking about what accountability means in the context of being consistent, and how to keep motivation when you clearly do not have it. I myself tend to use a list where I can check off things as I go throughout my day or even week, yet lately I have been finding myself not having the energy to get around to all those things. So you, the person on the other side reading this, what do you do to keep motivation? And how do you stay consistent? And what are some things you do to keep that fire within you to fuel you?

Like I have read so many books on things on this, yet I want to hear about real life experiences from people like you on how to have overcome writers block, maybe a slight bump in the road or just a lack of energy to go after things you want. I truly wonder how some of you frame accountability in your mind, and what motivation looks like to you? Does it look like you keeping yourself on a schedule, or does it more like a daily check in with yourself to see whether you are up to today’s tasks and challenges?

While the Internet is a nice place to turn to with these questions, I want to reiterate this for probably meh the third time (third times the charm, right?!?!?!), how do you hold yourself accountable, what does accountability look like to you and does accountability, consistency and motivation all go together, or am I just missing something here. Please hold me accountable, and help a girl out (it will be much appreciated).