Tag: Mental Health

Getting Through

Somedays like today felt like I was simply trying to get through. I know many of you reading this feel this way at times, when you are just trying to get to the next day. I know each day brings its’ own set of triumphs, struggles or mediocrities. Knowing we do not have to be perfect but to be just who we are is sometimes we all need to hear. I feel many of us are trying to live up to standards (from society, media, loved ones and ourself) that are simply unattainable. That is okay.

It is okay to not feel like you are reaching new heights. It is okay to not be checking off checklist items off your daily list of tasks. It is okay to not know who you are yet. All of the things and people we struggle with are forming us into who we are and how we choose to treat those around us. So getting through isn’t just getting by. It is someone who may be have been on a never ending run where the finish line keeps getting moved up, just as they get close. It is someone who may have poured heart out to their crush to only be rejected. It someone who may be struggling to just get up in the morning and roll out of bed to live another day on the hamster wheel of life, so many of us continue to roll on and fall of of. It is not knowing what is next that can stop someone from going forward out of paralyzing anxiety, or fear they are not good enough.

Some say fake it to you’ll make it, yet I believe those who even say that are afraid too. We are all scared of what maybe the next day, month or year may hold, but we have is now, each other and ourself. So if no one has told you this, getting through will always be good enough. You are never too much or too little, you are just right for those who truly love and care about you. Getting through yet another let down means you are being set up for some of the greatest moments.

Don’t lose yourself in a sea of a doubt, and if you feel lost, I am sending and throwing out a life raft to you to remind you, you matter, your thoughts are valid and your dreams can become a reality. Just keep believing, because there are many who have faith in you and know that getting through will lead you right to them. Keep pushing, keep challenging all that constrains you and keep going, you’ll get through, I got you hun, you are right around the corner of getting through and to all that is meant for you, which is far greater than you may have ever imagined, you are magical in simply being just you, if they discount you, you are getting through to me. Getting through to all the doubters. Getting through your own self doubt. Getting through all the negativity to finally to grasp on to and see the light of getting through the darkness that once haunted you. Getting through goes beyond just beginning, middle and end of one’s life story. You have the power to rewrite your story, make memories you cherish beyond time and live each moment this life gives you with intent.

Unstable: Mental Health Struggles

After writing the first sentence then consequentially deleting it time after time, I thought about how I should talk about my own struggles with mental health. While each person’s journey is different with mental health, mine has been one I have dealt from when I was very young. I can think back to when I was a young kid and would ask the universe why am I here, it would be so easier if I was not. I felt like I was complicating the lives of those around me, that I constantly had to prove and stand up for myself when no one was. I was told by dad to not express my emotions, that how I thought was invalid and would never be enough.

After years of living in a toxic, unhealthy environment growing up I decided to stand up for myself, only to feel yet again like I was the perpetrator, not once have I felt listened to and that was hard. Unfourtunately, this parental relationship led me to feeling depressed, suicidal at points. And when one of my close friends tried to take their own life, and I expressed how I felt pain for this friend and was beyond heartbroken over this situation, I was told yet again to not express my emotions and that one taking their own life is the easy way out. While there are many experiences I can speak to with my mental health, I feel it is not my place to spew that out to you, the person reading this. I feel many of our mental health struggles come from the relationships we have with those close to us, or experiencing something traumatic. We all process trauma different, we all see the world different and at times we feel different for being simply who we are.

I know mental health is something many of us feel we are stigmatized for, rather than it being an open conversation between health professionals, or even family and friends. I do not feel our mental health struggle should be labeled yet something we should feel to either speak or not to about. I do feel by openly talking about the struggles you face with mental health you can help not only yourself, but those around you who may be going or have gone through something similar. I also feel that you should speak to someone you trust or professional about what you are going through, since there are people out there who care and want to listen. I have learned to speak with family and friends more about my struggles, and they have been there to offer a hug and be an ear to listen to. While you may feel you are alone, who you are does not matter and what you do holds no purpose, that is farther from the truth, I and so many care about you. If you are hurting, please reach out to someone you trust or even me, I am here to listen and not judge.

I feel with social media, so many societal and family pressures, we as humans can be pushed to our limits. Do know you set those boundaries, if someone decides to continuously walk over that line, you hold the power to express where you stand. Stand up for yourself and others, even if you feel you well be broken down and picked a part. Having a heart that beats, a mind that thinks and a body that moves will continue to push you forward pass the things and people who will try to hold you back.

Keep going, feel your emotions and express your truth without regret, because as Maya Angelou said, ““I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” So, keep pushing forward, take each day by day, take each step by step and before you know it, you will be at the finish lines you never thought you would cross with the people who never left your side along the way, and continued to cheer you on, no matter how many times you wanted to give up along the way. Remember, you have the spark to set a fire ablaze and float away with the ambers, embark and blaze your own path and be around even when the stars fade and the smoke blurs what might have always been there, you!

PS I hope to share more of my journey with mental health with time. Please remember mental health is a journey, and should be right up there with your physical health. Never loose faith in yourself, in others or in society, there are always hope and people out there who will catch you if you fall. You may be in a fight or a constant battle with your mental health, be defeated time after time, never give up, keep going, I got you!

Poser

Lately the word, “poser” keeps coming to mind, and I honestly don’t know why. When you think of poser, what or who do you think of? I for some reason think about all of the people I see on social media, like Instagram or Facebook. I think about the people who just show the highlight reel of their lives. When we all know damn well, we are all going through something that we aren’t deciding to share on social media. But what about if social media was not a highlight reel, but a highlight REAL. We all live real lives, have real issues and do some really awesome things. Really though, but why do we decide to knit pick and not showcase pieces the behind of the scenes of our lives.

I feel if more people on social media did that, it would make them more relatable and let them know what they go through is not abnormal. Yet influencers or celebrities decide to take hiatuses, then come back and act like nothing really ever happened. I think it all comes to transparency. Being transparent about who you are, what you stand for and how you choose to live your life. I feel in some aspects we are all posers, even I’d call myself a poser since I choose to keep pieces of my life private and decide not show the not so great experiences, well I sometimes do on here.

Besides the fact, imagine if we lived our lives without filters, presets, FaceTune or followers, how would life look to you if none of that existed? I sometimes feel life would be better without aspects of social media, such as followers, since it puts people on pedestals that they are bound to fall off of or be in a constant battle of comparing yourself to someone else. I at times, catch myself like many of you, feeling like I am not enough and emulating parts of people I look up to you, but in the end that just leaves me feeling empty. I have learned with time, you hold so much power in just being you, the right people will decide to stay in your life for the right reasons, and you honestly become a healthier mentally and physically. While at the end of the day, we may all be posers at some points in our lives, that’s okay, but never forget to be who you are, you hold so much power in being unapologetically you.

PS part of the reason I started the blog, Mildly Me was because I felt many, myself included show the world mild versions of who we are, in order to fit in and feel like we can survive this wild world we exist in. We all have been posers at points in our lives, felt like we were the losers on the winning team, only to find out we hold that superpower within who we are (whatever that may be, share it with the world and don’t let the haters get to you, you’ll forever be a winner in my and many hearts and eyes!!)

Making Amends

About a few weeks ago, I made amends with my past. I texted people who we didn’t leave off on the right foot or note. I also made a pact to myself to put my happiness first. While the past year of my life has been quite wild to say the least, I have learned a lot and realized that sometimes you won’t always have all the answers to what you want out of life and how people treat you. I will never understand people who simply leave you on read or cut you out of your life without no explanation. I will never understand how a person cannot just recognize what you said as you did for them. I will never understand why people try to be someone they are not, when they simply should be themselves.

While there are many things I do not understand as many of us probably will never make sense out of, I have realized with time, most of the time, you are happy to leave your past in the past, and honestly to leave some in your past. I have realized that you have a say in who and what you allow in your life. I have realized that you can be content, without making everyone happy. I have realized I know myself, my mind and heart better than I thought. I feel with age and experiences, we learn to extend an olive branch rather than burning bridges with those who burnt you, or left scars with their ruthlessness. I feel that at times you have to make amends with yourself, before you can make amends with someone else.

Making amends is not simple, but a makeshift process, where you have to take your time and put the pieces together so you can fully heal. Healing is not a linear process, but rather you continuing to follow the path in front of you while venturing off to check out the places along the way. We have control over the path we choose to pave, and who we choose to give our energy too. I love to help people but have realized some people, one person in particular (some of you know) just continued to drain me, I am beyond thankful they walked out of my life, since my life has truly been so much better without them in it. I have wanted some to stay, while they choose to leave. Life is a lot like the seasons, we change as the weather do and evolve as environment does too. So if you are reading this, know that you can move on and do not have to forgive, rather make amends and choose to be indifferent to those who wronged you. Some times, things in life have to go wrong before they can go right, and how boring would it be if we didn’t get lost, then found. We all arrive at different times to where we are meant to be, so take time and break free from all that holds you back. Seriously though, it is really f*cking awesome to let go of all you are holding on to.

Tend to time as it ticks on, Mend your heart as it beats on, Lend an olive branch and make amends!

Be You & Only You

It has been a while since I last posted on here, well that might be because I lost myself in the midst of the last year (or a Mandemic as some of my friends and me like to joke about). I lost who I was and all I wanted to be. Crazy how feelings can do just that to you. I threw myself into relationships that were not healthy, unfulfilling to say the least. I relived all the situations I tried to avoid back in my teenage and early twenties. Crazy how fast reality can hit you, then you are back feeling lonely and truly like no one gets you. You, the person reading this, I know you have felt that void before. And don’t we try to avoid that void, like we do with accidents while driving, defensive driving is what they call that, right? I feel I am yet again the accident on the side of the road that everyone looks at as the drive by and on with their lives, yet to feel like I am better left in everyone’s rear view mirrors. Or swerve because you want to avoid that one, because she is just debris on your way to your destination.

I know some of you reading this, who know me or maybe don’t know me at all, feel this is not true because you think I am just someone who always seems to have it together. While others who truly know me would say different, they would say I need to be on my own to find happiness, and maybe that is true. Yet what about if you have always felt alone, like no one truly gets you, I’d say it be dangerous to allow me to be on my own since I may forever want it to be that way. Today and for a while I have been reflecting on the past year of my life, this blog and where I hope all this goes.

I just think about who I was a year ago, I remember saying I was better off on my own, and now I am truly believing that to be true. I think all of us hope we can find someone, or a semblance of something where we feel like we can and be accepted for who we are. But what about if we never find that thing or person. What about if you have to love yourself before someone else can love you? I don’t know if that one is completely true, but it is up for debate so feel free to comment below if you agree/disagree. Or why don’t they say when your younger that fairytales aren’t preparing you one bit for a happy ever after? Well, unless your my grandma and find your soulmate at 21, I thought that was what love was/and still is, and wow I was beyond wrong, yet maybe I just need to be romantic, rather than a realist.

In reality, I feel each of us live in this world of what if’s, when what now is shaping us into who and what we will become. I sometimes wish I could see the person I will become a month, year or decade from now, such questions as who will I be, what will I be doing and where will have life taken me come to mind. I know we all wonder and wander off the path, taking detours as we arrive at pitstops along our journey. Yet if you knew your destination, would you tell that person how you truly felt, would you live life more to the fullest and would you chase after what sets your soul on fire. I guess what I am saying is throughout the twist and turns of life, we tend to get lost and caught up in the hustle and bustle that surrounds us. We lose, give and gain parts of ourself back, only to find that who we are will always be enough for the right people. I used to think that I had to shape myself to fit the mold of what someone else thought I should be, and well that is just not the case.

I have learned I can completely be myself, and someone will just not get it and that is totally fine because someone out there will. What I am saying is to always without a doubt to be you and only you. There will be someone, friends, coworkers or a lover out there who will accept, support and celebrate you. You, the person reading this have a reason to be here, if you don’t believe me, just know I have been there too. It gets hard when time and time again, people cause you pain. But hey for all the people who let you down, there are many more who are there to lift you up. So don’t feel weighed down by your past, present or even your future. Each moment holds a place, a space for you to grow and maybe even a face to show you that there’s more to life than those who held your heart, hand or mind.

You are one of kind, and hard to find. That’s why when I say “Mildly Me”, it is because many of us feel we have to tone up and down parts of ourself to feel we are accepted by others. We are all at times, most of the time living a mild version of who we are since we have molded ourselves to want to feel wanted and loved by those around us. No matter the time, day or moment, always know the version we show tends to be Mildly Me, so in those vulnerable moments always choose to be you and only you, it will always bring you close to those already in your life and those who are meant to be there with you. With that being said, I am back, more in my feelings than ever and here to share what I have learned through the past year of my life about love, life and relationships in hopes that I can help you feel less alone and maybe you can learn from my mistakes, or one day maybe revel in me making it to the mountain top after continuously falling down and having to get right back up and keep on going.

So if you read this far, always remember to keep going, no matter what obstacle in life you may be faced with. Never forget that life is journey, not a race to see who gets there first. Since first place doesn’t always get the medal, and sometimes we are put onto pedestals that we are meant to fall off of to find our balance, who we are in this moment and meant to be in this lifetime. Time after time, continue to choose to be you & only you!

Happy you are here

I thought about writing the 12 others things I have learned thus far in my 25 years on this Earth, but then I thought there is one thing that encompasses all of those things, while the obvious answer may be ME, it is not. The one thing that encapsulates all of these things is growth. Growth in the sense that we are always growing through what we have gone and are currently going through in life. While that may look different from one person to the next, there is something you can always take away and learn from life, even if it does not make sense in the meantime. As I sat down to write this, I thought about what has this past year of life meant, and honestly what the hell has 2020 meant?!?! Like seriously, what is going on. And all I know is me, you, and the universe is going through a lot of growth, while that can be uncomfortable and sad at times, there is always good things to come and lessons to be learned. Simply put never stop growing and letting those around you know that you are HAPPY TO BE HERE.

And while happiness is this complex, ubiquitous word that we all talk about and hope to have, I have learned with time that happiness sometimes looks like a piece of the puzzle. In the sense we each have a piece of the puzzle to bring to be a part of each other’s happiness, whether that is in the meantime or lifetime, just being here in this moment of time and existing as you are will always be enough. Recently, well about a month ago, I connected with someone who truly changed and feel will continue to change my life with their truth. In our paths crossing, this person taught me so much about life, and that you are not alone in what you go through. And that maybe, we were meant to come into each other’s life for reasons both of us will never understand, or maybe ever know. The one thing I am sure of in my heart, and in my gut is that I never want to loose that connection, despite where our paths go. Finding a real, genuine connection in this world is hard, since we are all scared of what the other person may think of or if they may see our baggage as their luggage. But the thing is you aren’t any of that when you feel like you are home, in a place of a person where you feel comfortable to express who you truly are and sharing how you are still stumbling through life to find who you are.

Life is not a race, where you have to rush to get to the finish line, rather we all need to just pace ourself and enjoy the journey we are on. And maybe we just need to stop comparing ourselves to the person next to us, even if they look a few steps ahead or are fading into the background as we continue to put one foot in front of another. I guess what I am trying to say is, people like me or maybe the person reading this, we are runners. We run away when things seem too good. We run when we feel like we are wasting our time, when time is never wasted but cherished. We run each day to get to places we ought think we need to go based on what society tells us, when we should just let our heart run wild and free. But if you keep running away from all that is good and worthwhile, you will be left feeling like I am, empty and confused as to where I should go or what should I do next. When all I needed to do was stop running and to enjoy the journey. I sometimes wonder if we become more focused on the journey, that we simply don’t enjoy the process and the joy that it brings us.

So be happy you are here…. yes that is so simple to say, yet so hard to believe. Why is that, since we overthink every step we think it will take us to get to where we want to go, when we should simply enjoy each step we get to take on this path we are on. In talking with this person, the phrase Pathways kept popping into my mind and I started to think the many pathways, each of us have taken, me, you and all of us. Our pathways are so different, yet so similar since we arrived here reading this and connecting with one another. Maybe all we are lacking in this world is realizing that while our pathways are all heading in different directions, we can still come back and arrive at a common place of wanting to feel loved, understood and growing to become better with each day. So what pathway will you take, and where will you pave your pathway, who do you want to bring on that pathway and when will you let your pathway lead the way, and why wouldn’t you be proud of that pathway you are on?! Think to yourself, and if you aren’t content, then starting paving your own damn pathway in life, you will look back and be happy you did. So let the kid inside of you be curious, the teen inside of you be complicated and the adult inside of you be courageous enough to pave that pathway. Last but not least, let’s get back to what HAPPY YOU ARE HERE all means, well let me do what I do to reflect and hopefully offer insight to you, is well by writing a poem. So here is the poem for you, because simply put, I am beyond HAPPY YOU ARE HERE:

Happy You Are Here

Happy You Are Here

The Person Reading This

The Lessons Learned

The Seasons Passed

The Sessions Completed

The Tunes Listened To

The Words Written

I am “Happy You Are Here”

The Person Writing This

Who Are You? (Who Do You Want To Be?)

Where Are You? (Where Do You Want To Go?)

Why Do I Care? (Why Should I Care?)

How Are You? (How Were You Before?)

What Are You? (What Were You After?)

When You….??? (When Will You Be?)

You Asked Questions, Yet I Don’t Have the Answer

But I know,

You are “Happy You Are Here”

But what about him or her

But why I do feel hurt, yet not healed

But who will I be, I am scared

Scared about never being enough

Well, We Are “Happy You Are Here”

Why Are You Happy?

Well What Made You So Sad?

And When Will You No Longer Be Mad?

And Who Will Make You Glad?

Tell me Where You Are At?

But I am lost

You Are Not, I found You

But I am Mess

You Are a Stain of Pain, Yet I found my Silver Lining

But I keep giving you mixed signals

You Should Really Go, I don’t have to, you gave me the directions

We Should Stop, Time can’t heal all wounds, I don’t want to Hurt You

You Won’t, I’ll patch you to heal so you can be really who you want to be

But What About If I Am Wrong, You Have Always Been Right

And I Want to Move Forward, But I Keep Getting Pulled Back

Let go, Let go with each day, each moment and live this life with intent

But What About If I Can’t Shield You, You Don’t Have To

Well Why Is That?

Because see, that person, they are “Happy You Are Here”

Wait They Are, Why Would They Think That?

Well we saw where you came from, and what brought you here, my dear..

We saw the fear in your eyes.

We witnessed the gears you shifted through to find what felt right.

We captured the shear strength you had to make it here.

Wait What Do You Mean?

Honey, we are “Happy You Are Here”

When Did You Think That?

We stopped thinking about them, and started with the thought of you.

Where Did This All Come From?

We kept going, going and never stopped to see we were passing right by all that you said and meant. We can’t keep living a lie, we now know we have to live the truth.

The truth of a lie? No that’s FALSE

Then, WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

WELL MEANING HAS NO SUBSTANCE, IF YOU AREN’T HERE

You said that when I was there and now here

Where did I go Wrong?

You were always right, you always had it all in front of you, it just took you time and will continue to, with each day my sweet dear you will find fear makes a pact with courage, with each moment you will find you have to go through hell to have a piece of heaven, and with each memory you find a story you get to tell as what used to be fades and you are made into who you were and where you were meant to always be… right here, not there, but here, what where I am, you are here, where is here, it is right there, and what does this all mean??? We may never know, so slow down son, take each step day by day, because this moment brought you to today…. and simply said..

WE ARE “HAPPY YOU ARE HERE”… Glad you could join us… yet we never left.

PS this poem was written to reflect how many of us experience the feeling of overthinking, looking back and forward, wondering why we can’t keep pace in the race of life, and pondering why the finish line keeps getting moved every time we run towards an idea of where we ought to think we should go to feel completed. Yet all we should remember in this moment, is to be HAPPY WE ARE HERE, ENJOYING THE PAIN, MESS, HAPPINESS, DISDAIN, AND THE GRAIN OF GRACE LIFE WILL BRING US AS WE CONTINUE TO GROW INTO WHO WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE…. SO HAPPY YOU ARE HERE!! (CAPS & CHEERS INCLUDED)

13 things i have learned in 25 years

It is crazy to write this knowing I am have now been 25 for almost two weeks now. If you would have told me 10 years ago at 15, I would be here, I would not believe you one bit. At 15, I pictured myself married and starting out a new chapter of my life, the one were you settle down.

Little did I know that I would be no where close to settling down but finding myself again. The 24th year of my life taught me a lot about who I was and all of what I want to be as a human on this earth. While I know, I am one among a bigilloin people on this Earth, I know each of us have a purpose to be here and a story to write. No one person is the same as you, and even if you think so, let me tell you are here for a reason, even if you do not understand the seasons of life you may go through. Sometimes we never do, but that is beauty of the lessons life will teach you.

So with that being said, let’s fall into the things I have learned during this past quarter century of life, and maybe you will read this and see we all go through things that make us who we are. Read this not with a gaze, but be amazed at how far you have come and go in this lifetime.

Life is truly short in hindsight, so with each day let your light shine, even when you feel like you are a star fading out with the doubts, shout out loud you are worth the things that make you, you…. enough of me rambling, here we go friends, let’s get deep and personal with one another… or just more me.

  1. Things and People Change

2020 has truly taught us that things can change within the matter of minutes and months. While that is not something we are not unfamiliar to as humans, it is something we should realize that each moment should be lived with intent. And not that maybe some people aren’t meant to be in our life forever. Letting go is truly harder than it seems when all you want to do is hold onto is what is familiar, and feels comfortable. But in those uncomfortable moments of life, is when real growth and change can happen. Hopefully, we all come out of 2020 with a newfound perspective and an appreciation for all those surround us, because what is now will eventually fade into the things and people we used to know, so enjoy the journey life will take you on.

Song: Change by NF

2. LOVE AND LIFE

I used to always think love was to fill up parts of someone else. But no love is truly is caring for another person. You don’t have to empty parts of your self to fill another person up. I have realized I don’t have to give to get. That love is unconditional and I am beyond grateful for those who have showed me love when I had nothing more to give. While I a cynic when it comes to love, I have learned that yes you can get your heart broken a handful of a times in a year and still be able to love yourself, when no one seems or will ever want to.

Being alone has made me realize that yah I have gone on more dates than I can count, and each one has taught me something about myself. So yah, call me what you want to… it truly won’t bother me anymore. I know my worth, and I am worthwhile of love. Yah I am not perfect, I have made more mistakes I would like to take credit for, but it honestly can get annoying when I feel every guy I encounter wants me more for a prized possession than actually a present to handle with love, care and appreciation. So yah it has been a cruel year when it comes to love and life, but I am still a believer and I don’t know why…

Song: Livin’ on Love

3. MUSIC IS MY MUSE

I think we all listen to music and feel a tad less alone in this world. Music can truly connect us in ways we will not understand. So yes music is my muse, and likely yours’ too. But I highly suggest turning on your favorite song and just dancing in the comfort of your apartment, house, bedroom or car. It makes you feel free from all that is holding you down, or back. So just dance to the beat of your own drum, and SHAKE IT OFF.

Song: Shake It Off By Taylor Swift

4. TAKE YOUR TIME

People love to say time is of the essence, but I believe time is truly the seconds, minutes, and hours you make out of it. Not every day you will be keep track of time, but time can teach you lessons and heal all wounds. Time will continue to tick on, so just take your time when it comes to life. We are all on a different timeline than one another, so do not compare your timeline to someone else’s.

Song: if this is the last time by LANY

5. CALL SOMEONE OVER TEXTING THEM

This year taught me to call those close to you because texting can be so impersonal. And that calling and hearing someone’s voice can remind you that we just aren’t living behind screens. So call someone today, tell them how much you care about them and just talk. Everyone can send a text, but it takes someone special to call you. WORDS HOLD WEIGHT BUT VOICES ARE HEAVIER… AND WON’T ALWAYS BE THERE FOREVER!

Song: Call on Me by Starley

6. SEND SOMETHING SPECIAL

Sometimes on somedays, we worry about the most meniscal stuff. So send something special to someone, it could be a simple text or present. There is nothing more special than sending someone something that reminds them that their presence is a present to this world, because it truly is. Stop what you are doing and send something special to someone, no matter if they appreciate it or not, do something heartfelt every once in awhile. This world needs love more now than ever before, so adore and show love to those around you.

Song: Something About You by Hayden James (ODEZA Remix)

7. SET SETTLE INTENTIONS

I say set settle intentions because many of the times we set intentions or goals that are beyond anyone’s expectations. So set settle intentions that can help you take that step toward where you want to go and be. Be true in your intentions, and don’t expect any mentions. Just live for your intentions, not someone else’s expectations.

Song: Intentions by Justin Bieber

8. LOVE OVER HATE

This past year I could have show and shared hate over love, but I decided to always show love even when I felt that person didn’t deserve it. I say that because love can be truly hard to show and share, when you feel like people constantly use you for their own needs and wants. While I now know the truth of the situation of months later, and am not at all surprised by it. Almost like we know when people are lying to us, but hey the truth always comes out and welp you just have to live with it. No matter what happens or someone does to me, I will always choose love over hate, and I hope you can too even when it is beyond hard to do so.

Song: ILYSB By LANY & i hate u, i love u by gnash (ft. Olivia O’brien)

9. RELISH IN HAPPINESS

I have always been the person who wonders when something great will end. Like I know the spark won’t last forever and soon the flame will be blown out and the smoke will soon fill the space. But what I have realized that when I feel happy, I should relish in it. There are many days when things aren’t great but there other days that are amazing. Hold onto that happiness because it will come in handy when you are faced with tough times, and maybe sadness. Relishing in happiness just makes you feel full, even on on the days when you feel empty.

Song: Be Happy by Dixie D’ Amelio

10. FIND FAITH IN FEAR

When I say faith, I do not mean religion but rather the belief you are enough and good things are coming your way. Each day I am trying to believe that my real moments of growth are when I am sitting with my thoughts or reminding myself along with friends that it is normal to feel not okay. It is okay to feel lost or misunderstood or nothing is going right. We all feel those feelings every once in awhile, some more than others.

But imagine if we shared how we were feeling or felt, over always masking our feelings. There is beauty and true admiration in showing how you feel, and I feel we will or would feel less lonely in this world if we did so. So here’s to you and me, finding faith in fear, during the highs and lows, slow down and enjoy these moments dear, because nothing ever lasts forever.

Song: Faith by George Michael

11. SHOW VS. SHARE

We all can show who we are with our actions, but our words share part of who we want to be in this world. Imagine if our actions and words lined up, would you believe or disregard? Well all I know is by showing people you care is far better than sharing how you will be there for them. While sharing can help, showing up and being there for that person means more than you think. So the next time, you are talking with a family member, friend or love; show up and share so you can be there for each other.

Song: Show Me Love by Sam Feldt (ft. Kimberly Anne)

12. FORGIVE & FORGET

While forgiving and forgetting are feats in their own regard, you have don’t have to forgive to forget or vice versa. I have learned with time you can become indifferent. I realized this when first I listened to a Taylor Swift song, “I Forgot You Existed” and realized that through the lyrics of song you can move on with your life with honestly doing either. I also read a book called, “The Gift of Forgiveness”, which within the pages takes you on a journey through the different paths people take on the journey to arrive at their desired destination of forgiveness. While I can’t tell you how you should do either, forgiving or forgetting, what I can tell is with time, things become clearer and you will always end up at where and who you belong with. Life has a weird way of working out when it comes to directions and detours you take on this never ending road of twists and turns, eventually you realize it is all a part of your journey.

Song: Forgive & Forget by The Kooks (This one will always make me dance…. damn this is a BOP)

13. FIND BEAUTY IN EACH THING AND PERSON

At times, it can be hard to find beauty in the things we acquire or the people we meet or know. But with each day, each of us including myself should look to find beauty in each thing we get to have and person we encounter, whether it or they adds or takes away from our life, we should be grateful to simply have the privilege to live. Sometimes we take life, things and people for granted and do not realize their value until they are gone. So appreciate every thing and every one that comes in and out of your life. Cause while we as a person may be a collection of things, relationships, moments, keepsakes and dreams, let’s always try to find the sliver linings in all of it. When it is all over, we will be reaching for the things and people who all added a sentence, paragraph and chapter in our book of life. So get up each day, looking forward to writing another page of your story and getting to be a part of someone else’s too. Our stories, voices, and thoughts hold so much value, just got to invest and deposit them from time to time in the banks of people and things that collect the bits and pieces of us.

I decided to stop at 13 things…. because 25 things is just a lot to process, write and share in one go. So sometime in the near future, I have no clue when it will be, but hopefully soon… I will think of 12 other things I have learned in my 25 years of life in this earth. For those of you, who are younger or older than 25, please take these things I shared with a grain of salt and sprinkle them into your mind, life and body when seems fit. Hopefully, no matter how old you are, you can connect, grow, and from what I shared. Because aren’t we all hoping to be feel a little more connected in what seems at times a rather disconnected world. LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!

Song: Beautiful by Bazzi (ft. Camila Cabello)

OVERALL SONG YOU SHOULD BLAST: Paradise by Bazzi 🙂

Always remember to BE HOO YOU ARE, CAUSE YOU’RE OWLSOME!

Better Off on My Own

Lately I have been feeling this sense of just being better off on my own. I don’t say that to be negative, but rather I just feel like I don’t want anyone to be carrying around my baggage like its their luggage. I see everyone so happy, content, in love or just living their life on their own terms, and then…

I look at myself and wonder how did I get here, why did I let a guy for the last year of my life make me feel like there was a ticking time bomb ready to explode right in my face. When it did and I had to carry the weight of knowing I had to leave for my own sanity, and then to be caught up in the fear of carrying something else too. In the process, I honestly felt myself losing pieces of who I am to fill that of those around me. Maybe if I do this, then everyone will be happy.

But what I realized is for years I have been sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of love, while some may say that’s a flaw, I think we all fill parts of ourselves in people and with things we are lacking to feel whole. I can honestly think back to college when one of my roommates said Maddie I can’t keep up with how many guys you are dating. Back then I was lost and trying to find myself in other people (and I guess now I still am too), some who would take up my time and others I would never give a chance.

See what I realized then and now is that the moments I have felt most alone have been the moments when I truly grow and find what I need. While I’m flawed beyond belief, I know that maybe by me saying I’m better off on my own is better for the sake of those around me, including myself.

No I’m not saying I want to be alone forever. And that Yes I do want to find love again, and eventually a family, but for now I need time to grow and honestly I don’t know what that looks like. But what I do know is the next time love comes knocking on my door, I am going to do everything in my power to keep that private for the sake of my own well being and happiness. Because I’m done living for the approval around me. Whoever that person ends up being, we will be darn lucky and beyond happy to have each other.

In the meantime and as I go through life, I will continue to turn to music and poetry to get me through it all. And if you feel or felt like do, please know you are not alone but rather something and someone great is down the road, waiting for you to arrive at your destination, them.

PS the name for this post was inspired by the one and only Taylor Swift’s song, “King of My Heart” . Also some songs I have been listening to remind me that my feelings and thoughts are valid, as are your’s are “Hand Me Down and Overjoyed by Matchbox Twenty”, “Lonely by Noah Cyrus” and “Anyone by Demi Lovato” . As always, love you all beyond words!

Marchin' On

It has been awhile since I last wrote a blog post. It was actually two months til this day that I remember writing a blog post about telling my side of the story in a heartbreak. But now that it has been two months and things have quite changed, I thought I hop on here to tell you how you can or how I have been marching on through these truly unknown times.

They say moving on from a heartbreak takes time and I would have to totally agree but it also takes a good amount of healing. See I did not know what it felt like to lose someone I cared and still care so much for until well it happened. I felt a sense of abandonment and have felt quite alone during this time in my life, not just from the Coronavirus. In being alone I learned no one can make me happy, except for myself. So now and going forward I am learning that it is okay for me to not always people please. Noticing that most of my life I have spent trying to make those around me happy while letting my own happiness suffer. No matter what life looks like in this season, I want to work on being my own best cheerleader and going after things and experiences I have always wanted to, and I challenge you to do the same.

As for this whole coronavirus thing, I honestly feel a sense of anxiety and depression for our world, our country and my community, because I see the various ways people’s lives are being affected, whether they be those in the healthcare field or a college student. Right now life feels more uncertain than ever. But in all honesty it has felt like that for me since this year began. I knew from the beginning of this year that I didn’t know what my then relationship held, my future held and really who I was becoming. I like to say with time we lose pieces of who we are, but in all honesty I think we just get scarred and hugged by experiences and memories. I like to say I am moving on…. but with each day I feel like I am marching through a war zone of uncertain emotions, feelings and times. At this time, deep down in my gut, heart and mind I know what is right for me, but would I rather be hurt or be vulnerable, I still cannot decide. Maybe when I finally decide, it will be too late or maybe just a tad too early. But I guess time can only tell how we will march on from this pandemic and the own battles we continue to fight and win with ourselves.

If I could say one thing, it would be to continue marchin’ on with kindness, love, acceptance, and gratefulness for those around you, close and far away.

Learning to Let Go

Over the past month and half I have been processing through some emotions, and some things. As you step through life, stepping in and out, sometime in between those steps, you notice what you need to take with you and what you need to let go of. While making those steps, you learn who you are, what you want and maybe why you feel the way you do. So as I make these steps going forward, I am realizing there is something, or many things I need to let go of.

First, I need to let go of the feeling of not being wanted. I know I am cared and wanted by so many. But there are many days were I feel alone, crying and hurting, that truly no one cares. While this may be a surprise to those of you who do not know me that well, I wanted to let you know that you should always touch base with those you love and care about, because you never know what is going on behind the confined doors of social media. So truly I need to let go of this feeling that no one cares, because I know there are, whether only few who do care about me and my well-being and that is all should matter. Never forget, you matter and what you are feeling is valid, no matter how crazy someone may think or say it is — YOU MATTER!

Second, I found that I need to let go of a relationship that was no longer fulfilling me but rather crushing me. Lately I have been feeling that no matter how many times I attempt to put back the pieces that have been crushed, they just don’t fit and keep falling out of place. Maybe this is a sign that sometimes the one you have been holding so close, you just need to let them go. While letting go of someone who has seen you at some real shitty lows and amazing highs is beyond imaginable, I know I got this as I say this feeling beyond muddled and sunken in emotions. Sometimes stepping away and letting one go is the best you can do, not only for yourself but for maybe or hopefully for them too.

Third, I found I need to let go of social media. While this may not be easy, it is something I need to do and step away from because my mental health has suffered from it. Seeking approval from followers or likes seems to be what is next to seeking approval from our peers and mentors as we typically in do real life. So enough with social media. As of now, I am deciding I will only be on social media to share my blog posts, so if I do not like or comment on your recent post, please do not take it personally. So bye Instagram and Facebook for the time being, while I say I will miss you, at the same time I find it best that you take a break from seeking approval from fleeting likes, followers and I guess friends too.

While letting go of stuff, people and moments may be hard in the meantime. At this point in time, it is something I really need to do in order to get back on track to feeling like me, the girl who is and only should be living her life on her terms, no one else’s. Well anyway, if you are feeling the way I am or go through something that is bodging you down, I would highly suggest letting go of that thing, thought or person because if you never do, you will never know what else you could let in that could really change your life and help you step in to where you want to go.