It has been a while since I last posted on here, well that might be because I lost myself in the midst of the last year (or a Mandemic as some of my friends and me like to joke about). I lost who I was and all I wanted to be. Crazy how feelings can do just that to you. I threw myself into relationships that were not healthy, unfulfilling to say the least. I relived all the situations I tried to avoid back in my teenage and early twenties. Crazy how fast reality can hit you, then you are back feeling lonely and truly like no one gets you. You, the person reading this, I know you have felt that void before. And don’t we try to avoid that void, like we do with accidents while driving, defensive driving is what they call that, right? I feel I am yet again the accident on the side of the road that everyone looks at as the drive by and on with their lives, yet to feel like I am better left in everyone’s rear view mirrors. Or swerve because you want to avoid that one, because she is just debris on your way to your destination.
I know some of you reading this, who know me or maybe don’t know me at all, feel this is not true because you think I am just someone who always seems to have it together. While others who truly know me would say different, they would say I need to be on my own to find happiness, and maybe that is true. Yet what about if you have always felt alone, like no one truly gets you, I’d say it be dangerous to allow me to be on my own since I may forever want it to be that way. Today and for a while I have been reflecting on the past year of my life, this blog and where I hope all this goes.
I just think about who I was a year ago, I remember saying I was better off on my own, and now I am truly believing that to be true. I think all of us hope we can find someone, or a semblance of something where we feel like we can and be accepted for who we are. But what about if we never find that thing or person. What about if you have to love yourself before someone else can love you? I don’t know if that one is completely true, but it is up for debate so feel free to comment below if you agree/disagree. Or why don’t they say when your younger that fairytales aren’t preparing you one bit for a happy ever after? Well, unless your my grandma and find your soulmate at 21, I thought that was what love was/and still is, and wow I was beyond wrong, yet maybe I just need to be romantic, rather than a realist.
In reality, I feel each of us live in this world of what if’s, when what now is shaping us into who and what we will become. I sometimes wish I could see the person I will become a month, year or decade from now, such questions as who will I be, what will I be doing and where will have life taken me come to mind. I know we all wonder and wander off the path, taking detours as we arrive at pitstops along our journey. Yet if you knew your destination, would you tell that person how you truly felt, would you live life more to the fullest and would you chase after what sets your soul on fire. I guess what I am saying is throughout the twist and turns of life, we tend to get lost and caught up in the hustle and bustle that surrounds us. We lose, give and gain parts of ourself back, only to find that who we are will always be enough for the right people. I used to think that I had to shape myself to fit the mold of what someone else thought I should be, and well that is just not the case.
I have learned I can completely be myself, and someone will just not get it and that is totally fine because someone out there will. What I am saying is to always without a doubt to be you and only you. There will be someone, friends, coworkers or a lover out there who will accept, support and celebrate you. You, the person reading this have a reason to be here, if you don’t believe me, just know I have been there too. It gets hard when time and time again, people cause you pain. But hey for all the people who let you down, there are many more who are there to lift you up. So don’t feel weighed down by your past, present or even your future. Each moment holds a place, a space for you to grow and maybe even a face to show you that there’s more to life than those who held your heart, hand or mind.
You are one of kind, and hard to find. That’s why when I say “Mildly Me”, it is because many of us feel we have to tone up and down parts of ourself to feel we are accepted by others. We are all at times, most of the time living a mild version of who we are since we have molded ourselves to want to feel wanted and loved by those around us. No matter the time, day or moment, always know the version we show tends to be Mildly Me, so in those vulnerable moments always choose to be you and only you, it will always bring you close to those already in your life and those who are meant to be there with you. With that being said, I am back, more in my feelings than ever and here to share what I have learned through the past year of my life about love, life and relationships in hopes that I can help you feel less alone and maybe you can learn from my mistakes, or one day maybe revel in me making it to the mountain top after continuously falling down and having to get right back up and keep on going.
So if you read this far, always remember to keep going, no matter what obstacle in life you may be faced with. Never forget that life is journey, not a race to see who gets there first. Since first place doesn’t always get the medal, and sometimes we are put onto pedestals that we are meant to fall off of to find our balance, who we are in this moment and meant to be in this lifetime. Time after time, continue to choose to be you & only you!