I Got Your Msg

I got your message is such a common thought in my mind lately. Because I feel this can either mean two things, I actually got your message or got what you are saying. As I think of this phrase I think over the interactions I have had over the past year and half of my life, which many of my friends coined as the Mandemic. I guess I became a joke in the midst of pandemic. Glad I survived and found the only person I can count on is me, only me. I have found that ending a relationship that was going nowhere was something I should have done long ago. But me being me, I am people pleaser. I always people’s happiness before mine. Nine times out of ten it may leave a bruise or two, but I would rather be known for being kind and giving people many chances. I noticed though that I have danced with the devil way many more times than I can count, because all I was wanting to be thought of was as this perfect, sweet angel. I noticed in always trying to be the nice person, people will take advantage of you, take your thoughts and twist them to make you feel like you are out of your mind, and make you wonder where you went wrong. I have noticed that sticking up for yourself simply means letting go of people and things that no longer serve you. So I erased those texts you sent and no longer picked up the phone, maybe then you will get my message or maybe you will never get it. But no matter what the outcome is, unread text or voicemail, I know I kept myself by not allowing you in time, time again to just cause me pain, to hate who I am, to not feel enough, to just feel like a liability.

I know I have the ability to construct my words in a way that may make sense to you the person reading this. I hope though if you do not understand me, maybe you never will, I will have the capability to let you know have the ability to do whatever you want with your life. I used to think I had to make my enemies, the ones who left me on read to understand me. What I came to know is you cannot get someone to understand you when they cannot even understand who they are. I may care too much about the people who I cross paths with, but I know maybe one day they will hopefully embody being kind, understanding and just being who they want to be. I feel many of us just wear a mask, put out this front and facade like we all have it figured it out and have our shit together. The truth is we are all just figuring it out. Yet what I feel we lack as humans is completely abandoning that there is another person on the other side of the conversation. So instead of telling them that you will not be arriving at the same destination, you swerve, ghost and ride off in another direction. In the case of a intersection, you look to the traffic lights to guide you on what you should do. You ask the universe for advice, you ask your family and friends what should I do. While I feel it is okay to ask, I also feel this is your life, so send that damn message and if they do not respond or do not feel the same way, know you are still the one and only one of you, and there is going to be someone one day who will get you for you.

I am so sicken tired of asking if they got the message. I am so sick of people who just play mind games with the messages they send. I am done with those messages that come through, only to mess with your mind and make you feel crazy for feeling anything. I know I may know a thing or two, but the one thing I know is between you and me, the sender and recipient is let’s not play monkey in the middle, just straight up tell the person and say how you feel. At the end of the day, we worry so much and read between lines that are not even there, convincing ourselves that this thing or person is right for us, when clearly, most of the time it is not. So yeah maybe, they will get the message one day, but in all honesty, they may never get it.

Whether they will get it or not, it is not up to you to decide, the choice is in their court. So you can either be the player or get played, I have been on both sides. No matter which way you go, you will win some and lose some. Just know you got yourself. If you got you, know you have the courage to send that real message of how you truly feel to someone, be kind though. Either way, I got left on read or got your message, know your value is not attached to the outcome of what happens next. Know how people act is most of the time not a reflection of you, but their own self. Selfless or selfish, I got your msg, I read it, I smiled, I cried, I thought of you, I thought what could be. So next time, you get a call, voicemail, text or DM, know you got the message, it is okay what you do next (just remember to be kind).

PS I got your msg, not sure how to feel all about it, really?! Ever got a msg, left it on read or responded right back, only for you to be on cloud nine or feeling like you digging for fools gold in a non-existent goldmine. Only to say I am fine (really not, whenever someone says that). Time after time, we will continue to say I got your msg whether in actuality or figuratively, so got your msg, what will I say or do next………. (duh dun, we may never know, the never ending carousel of messages continues)

Moving On & Forward

Throughout my entire existence, I have like many of you had to leave people and things in the past that are no longer serving me. While I do not like to let people down or cut off communication, at times it is (has been) the best for me and those involved. On the flip side, I have been blindsided when it comes to those moving on and forward from me, like what did I do wrong, is who I am just not good enough or why did they just suddenly disappear from my life??? I know I am not the only one who has these questions swirling around in the head. I know so many go through life feeling like I am not okay or good enough, that is completely normal to feel the way you do. I am right there with you, and over the past quarter of century I have learned you have control over how you react, who and what you surround yourself with. While you may feel it is all out of your control, just know you have the power always to move on and forward from people, situations and things no longer serving you.

I wish I had someone told me this sooner, well there was a few, but me being stubborn I kept holding out hope and seeing the best in people and situations, when clearly that was not the reality. In reality, people most of the time are not thinking about you, they are thinking about themselves, so do not take it personally if it doesn’t workout how you thought it would. I feel everything eventually works out for the best for all involved.

If you feel just like you have yet to move on and forward. Take some time to think about how people and things are serving you in your life; are they bringing more negativity than positivity, bringing more doubt than inspiration or bringing more to themselves than to you?! Thinking about what it is all bringing you, and go from there in making your decisions. You can both be selfish and selfless without being self-sacrificing.

So if you are reading this and feel like there is someone or something that fits what I am saying, please take some time to think about what type of life you want, who do you want in it and where you want to be in sometime from now. I think if we sit back and reflect, we can see many patterns of people and things not serving us, but it is not my place to point that out to you, you have to figure that out for yourself, those close to you can only help so much. I will tell you this from experience, sometimes we just do not see it since we are so invested in that person or situation. My advice clear the air and see it all for what it is, if you cannot, eventually in time it will all workout.

I know that was a lot to unload on you, yet I feel many of us feel this way where we hold on to people that we should just let go of and move on from. I feel it is human nature to want people to like us and for things to go according to plan, but life is never a clear path, it is bunch of pathways coming together and diverging as you walk forward. Moving forward and on is never easy, yet you can learn so much about yourself and life from go through the most toughest of times. Because some of the most hardest of times are leading you to some of the best times in your life, just keep having hope and trusting that the process of life will always workout for the best, even if you do not see it now or some time ahead, keep going, you go this!

Moving forward and on, is not simply leaving your past behind but letting go of those and things that no longer fulfill you, so fill your cup with what matters to you and those who love you, and that will bring you the best fulfillment. Sending love, hugs and hope to all of you going through a time of moving on and forward!

Why Did You Go?

The past week of life has been like riding a rollercoaster to say the least, I ended an unhealthy, detrimental relationship, and for me not being further harassed that is what I will leave it at. I just want you to know, the person reading this, if you do not feel loved, accepted, or harassed, you have the power to leave and close the door on that person or even people in this case. I want you to know that is family is what you make out of it, that your friends can step in to be just that. And if you do not have many family or friends to lean on, know you will make it through whatever you may be facing. I know each of us are fighting a battle we do not share, or have struggled to make it through, so I award you for your strength for staying after being continuously hurt, broken down to pieces, you are now collecting like shattered glass beneath your feet. With each step you take, know deep down, trust in yourself that you are headed in the right direction, even if you feel you are not.

And while people may ask, why did you go? You can decide whether or not that deserves an answer. You have the power to stay or go. You have the strength to overcome what or whoever may have brought or is bringing you down, know you can always rise up from the deepest of depths. I commend each of you for chasing after what your sets your soul on fire, and if you do not know what that is, keep going, you will find it. I believe each of us have a reason to be here, yet have a reason to choose who we surround ourself with. I know leaving can be so hard, especially when there is a lengthy and close relationship you are attached to. I know cutting ties is not easy when so many knots have been tied, making it hard to cut through all that has left you tied to a person or a situation. I hope you know that you have the courage to speak up, express your true self and walk away from people who continue to judge and bring you down, time after time, simply let go and move on.

I hope you know letting go can be a form of forgiveness, yet not forgetting. You can always learn from what went wrong in your past, and choose what feels right for your future. You know yourself best. Those who truly care for you, will not hold you back but rather love you unconditionally and want the best for you. So whatever or whoever is holding you back, let them go, move forward. If you feel you are not making progress, or a change, those small steps and choices will lead you to the greatest moments and accomplishments in your life. So if they ask you, why did you go? You can just say life is too short to not stay true to who you are, what you want out of life and how you build the legacy you will one day leave behind?

So, why did you go? Well I would say that I stopped running back to and started stepping towards, and venturing the path that has always been in front of me, we all take different pathways in life, but we choose the paths we continue to venture on or pave the path we know walk on. Life is a truly a journey, find the little moments of joy when you can, cherish and enjoy it, since it all eventually ends just as it has begun, so run towards the moments, places and people who make you feel at home, no matter where you go, what you do, who and how you become as a human being.

PS you do not need to provide an answer to every question, you can simply allow your actions to speak the words you or others choose to say about you. Life your life unapologetically by being you, being kind and and always being one of a kind, that’s the MILDLY ME within you to be whoever you damn please while being still sweet as honey with the sting of the bee, never once again, forgetting to BE KIND!

Ghosters: Modern Day Daters

Have you ever been ghosted or been the ghoster? Seriously, I think we all can admit we have either had this happen to us or been the one to do the ghosting. And if you are wondering what ghosting is, well pretty much it is when someone, specifically a love interest disappears out of thin air, never responding to that text(s), leaving you scratching your head, like what happened or glad I called the shot on that one. I feel ghosting has been happening since the dawn of time, just has looked different over the years, especially prevalent within our modern day society being rooted so much in wanting the next shiny thing, and wanting things instantaneously. Even myself has been ghosted before, and have even done the ghosting. Through dating, I have learned that ghosting honestly really has not much to do with you, it really has a lot to do with the other person.

A lot of the times, people do not know how to tell you they are just simply not feeling it or maybe you are just another person on their lineup of all the people they are talking to, or maybe even dating. With that being said, it can heartbreaking not getting that text or call from that person, at the same time it can show you there is something and someone to better to come in time. I have also realized that ghosting is quite childish, like if you cannot tell someone how you feel in a nice, clear and concise way, than are really an adult. While it easier to not say anything it all, it is also kind of you to tell someone how you truly feel and then turn the page. I feel in me being honest during dating, it has saved me some heartache but I have also experienced my fair share of breaking someone else’s heart, but with not so great guy or date, it will all lead you to the love of your life. I really truly believe there is a person out there for each and every one of you, don’t settle until then.

Keeping in mind though that we all live in the Information Age, where we are all hoping to find love. Sometimes, the person we were interested in may end up being ghoster, aha I love to call them Casper the ghoster. Or at times, we may even unintentionally doing the ghosting, since we just do not know how to tell someone where we are at, or maybe we just aren’t simply feeling it. No matter what it may be, always stay true to who you are and love unapologetically.

It is funny as I write this, I have had a few guys come to mind. One of them being a guy, who I met through a friend and said we would celebrate New Years together, but then just dropped off the face of the Earth and stopped texting me when that day rolled around.. And then out of the blue decided to text me on Valentines Day of 2016 saying he wanted to give me kiss, and I said peace out Nick (sorry not sorry). In the past year of 2020, I had myself a couple of ghosters, but for the sake of not exposing them, since I am kind, and well guys Nick was just prick, like wish him the best, but damn that is a bridge I burned and never want to have to cross over, ever again. Enough with what’s his name lol. Anyway so most recently in 2020, I guess you could say dated, but I would really call it talting (talking/dating–I just made up a word, don’t mind me).

The first one, we will call Myles (ps his name starts with K, so you can figure that one out), he had just gotten out of a very long term relationship and decided that I would become his therapist. I love helping and listening, but it came to a point of almost being draining. I also found it really weird that I was put onto a pedestal and idolized by this person, who really didn’t seem to know who they were, I get it, we are all trying to figure out who we are. But I just love for people to be who they are, nothing less. Anyway, he made a move on me which threw me for a loop then proceeded to mess with my feelings and decided to eventually ghost me, so there’s that. Some people just keep you around for their own selfish reasons, until something or someone comes around and they drop you like a fly, and then you become that fly on the wall. I wish him and his new love interest the best, but for some reason I feel I am still getting deja vu and guessing there is noting new, well there is with me, but I am keeping that top secret and my life has never been better, thanks M!

And the second and last one, we will call Barry (ps His name starts with… the letter I just capitalized). Wow I am really barring my skeletons to you guys, aha you all haven’t even seen half of it, I am not about putting about people on blast and feel for the most part I am withholding details that would disclose who someone is). Man well Barry, he was a good guy and we had really deep, good conversations for four months yet it never become more unfortunately. I tend to think I was just another chick on his list of other chicks. I find it funny though how someone can completely go ice cold on you while being luke warm for a while, guess it all just fizzled out and just wasn’t meant to be as they like to say. I wish him the best though, just wish I wasn’t thrown out of someone’s life by them like a crumbled piece of paper into a trash can of left on read.

I think we all have in some capacity experienced being ghosted, or been the ghoster. Or even being left on read for no reason at all, other than the person not having the courage to tell you they moved on, since no one wants to be the bad guy. You can be the good person, by simply telling someone how you truly feel, whether it breaks their heart or you fall madly in love, love is not a winning or losing game, it is the true test of life and you eventually bringing in new life to this world. So be honest with yourself and another person when you are out there dating, or even a committed relationship, it goes a long way, farther than you may expect. Last but not least, don’t be a ghoster (me, guilty) or get bogged down by being ghosting (I’ve been there, you aren’t alone), our past ghosters may haunt us or we may haunt them, no matter what it may be always cherish your time with someone, whether they are now a part of your past or currently in your present, be and love hoo you are because your OWLSOME (ending this with a good old owl pun, ps I have an owl obsession if you didn’t already know about that).

Making Amends

About a few weeks ago, I made amends with my past. I texted people who we didn’t leave off on the right foot or note. I also made a pact to myself to put my happiness first. While the past year of my life has been quite wild to say the least, I have learned a lot and realized that sometimes you won’t always have all the answers to what you want out of life and how people treat you. I will never understand people who simply leave you on read or cut you out of your life without no explanation. I will never understand how a person cannot just recognize what you said as you did for them. I will never understand why people try to be someone they are not, when they simply should be themselves.

While there are many things I do not understand as many of us probably will never make sense out of, I have realized with time, most of the time, you are happy to leave your past in the past, and honestly to leave some in your past. I have realized that you have a say in who and what you allow in your life. I have realized that you can be content, without making everyone happy. I have realized I know myself, my mind and heart better than I thought. I feel with age and experiences, we learn to extend an olive branch rather than burning bridges with those who burnt you, or left scars with their ruthlessness. I feel that at times you have to make amends with yourself, before you can make amends with someone else.

Making amends is not simple, but a makeshift process, where you have to take your time and put the pieces together so you can fully heal. Healing is not a linear process, but rather you continuing to follow the path in front of you while venturing off to check out the places along the way. We have control over the path we choose to pave, and who we choose to give our energy too. I love to help people but have realized some people, one person in particular (some of you know) just continued to drain me, I am beyond thankful they walked out of my life, since my life has truly been so much better without them in it. I have wanted some to stay, while they choose to leave. Life is a lot like the seasons, we change as the weather do and evolve as environment does too. So if you are reading this, know that you can move on and do not have to forgive, rather make amends and choose to be indifferent to those who wronged you. Some times, things in life have to go wrong before they can go right, and how boring would it be if we didn’t get lost, then found. We all arrive at different times to where we are meant to be, so take time and break free from all that holds you back. Seriously though, it is really f*cking awesome to let go of all you are holding on to.

Tend to time as it ticks on, Mend your heart as it beats on, Lend an olive branch and make amends!

8 Dating Do’s & Don’ts

In looking back on the last year or my early twenties, I have gone on more dates than I can count. While that may be the case for some and not for other, either way there is nothing wrong when it comes to how you choose to go about dating. We are each on our own dating journey, so don’t compare your pitstop to someone else’s destination when it comes them being single or married. We all get to our final destination, our forever partner at different times in our lives, some meet their person sooner in life while others may not meet their person until after going through a handful heartbreaks. Your journey is what makes you, never forget that. With that being said, let me take on you a date on the do’s and don’ts of dating, not just from my experience but from friends and family experiences with dating. Hopefully, these “8 Dating Do’s & Don’ts” may help you the person reading this, relate or make you think about dating in a different light. No matter if your single, dating or married, we can always learn and grow as we go through life, and most importantly LOVE!

Let’s get into it…

  1. Do Be Interested

Some of us are scared to show someone we like them out of fear of rejection. But let me tell you, sending a nice text or doing a sweet gesture goes a long way. If you are someone like me, explicit cues like someone straight up telling me how they feel is far more important than implicit cues, which someone like me will not pick up on. I am saying send that long text, state and show your true feelings to that person, and well if they do not feel the same way, you know you showed how you truly felt versus playing cool. Showing and telling someone how you feel goes a longer way, than just playing it cool and being indifferent to them. Just do not be too hard on yourself, don’t overthink how you act, because someone should date and love you for you, not a version you think they may like.

Life is truly too short, love is too fleeting to not be or act interested in someone you like or may even find attractive (or both). And if you are simply not, then just send a nice text message (do not ghost that just makes you look immature and slightly shady, sorry not sorry, I hope your parents raised you slightly better than that, please have some sliver of respect because KARMA IS REAL.)

2. Don’t Think Too Far Ahead

Many of us are guilty of connecting with someone and thinking out our whole entire future with them. Well, hold your horses honey, just take it moment by moment, date by date before jumping in head first into the deep depths of dating. My advice is do ground yourself in reality to realize that you may not meet your person(or prince) after kissing a handful of frogs. So try to take the rose tinted colored glasses off and see the person for who they truly are, or who your close friends and family see them for. I feel it is important in the early stages of getting to know someone or dating them to seek advice for close family members or friends who may be seeing things you aren’t, since well they are not as invested as you are.

In dating it is important to stay in the now, and just really take it date by date. Over time, you truly get to know and see someone for who there. Always remember time is on your side, and do not start planning out your wedding from the second of meeting someone because most of the time that will end up in you just projecting what you want in a partner onto them. It is important to date in the now, reflect on your dating past, learn from your past dating experiences to seek out what you potentially want in a partner.

3. Do Focus on How You Feel

It is important to focus on how you feel. While your friends and family may like or love someone, it is important for you to feel those feelings as well since you will be spending a whole lot more time with them then they will. I feel it is also important to focus on what your gut is telling you. I can’t tell you how many times, one person in particular where I felt uneasy around, like something in my gut was telling me something off. Although I never pinned down what it was, I know now I am so happy I listened to my gut and walked away from that situation. Your body more than your mind and heart can pick up on things, that sometimes we ourselves cannot understand. Don’t forget to listen to your gut and lean into your feelings, since they will signal and let you know how you feel about someone. Many times, we misinterpret our feelings for liking someone a lot when it is more than that, so just feel your feelings, don’t feel one bit about it, since it will lead you to the right partner and rid you of the potential, toxic partners (I know some of you reading this have been there, you feel me?!).

4. Don’t Be Afraid to say Your Expectations

Seriously do not feel bad or be afraid to say what your expectations are when it comes to a potential partner. It is important to share and state your dating guidelines with you partner fairly early on to see if you two are even on the same page. Because I know from my own dating experiences, as well as friends and family that we end up dating someone for months, only to find out that they are just really not in the market for a serious relationship or finally figure out that they cannot live up to your expectations. My real, raw and honest advice is telling someone you are interested in is what you are looking for a partner.

If you do not, you may end up being frustrated and sad as to why things did not workout or why they are so many miscommunications between the two of you over time. Do not share a whole entire list with them, but do have (an) authentic conversation(s) with them over time in the early stages of dating, so it sets the foundation for a strong, withstanding relationship and eventual partnership down the dating road. Never lower your expectations to fit someone else’s idea of a relationship, do though have realistic expectations and exemplify them through your actions too. Let me just say you are worthy of someone f*cking amazing, and vice versa, never forget that honey, there is someone out there for each and every one of you (even if you have already met them and are committed, engaged or married).

5. Do Be Who You Are

Be unapologetically who you are to the core. And well if someone does not like you for you, then just wish them the best. It is so important to not become a version of yourself to fit that person’s ideal partner. I feel this is something that comes with time and gaining confidence in who you are. I always love to compare our twenties as each of us going into a costume shop and trying out different costumes, only to eventually walk out of there being completely fine in who we are. While you may have some insecurities which is completely normal, you should lean into those and see why you want to change those things about yourself. Is it family, friends or society telling you have to change who you are to be deemed worthy or beautiful, if so, listen yet tune into the pieces and parts who make up the person you are. Never doubt or forget, there is only one of you in this world, so keep being and doing you. Eventually in time, someone down the line will come into your life who loves you fully for all that makes you, you (the good, bad and in between). If someone truly loves you, they will love you not only at your best, but at your lowest. So continue to be who you are even if you feel like you do not fit the mold of those you see as your scroll on social media or in a small(ish) town like Boise, Idaho. Beauty goes beyond just looks, beauty can be found in your soul and shine through your spirit. Love hoo you are because you are truly F*CKING OWLSOME!!

ps I love owls, hoo would’ve known, just if you didn’t know that already, man you, yes the person reading this may think I am hoot, well that’s fine, cause I am me, and well you are you, so in the end that makes two of us (or maybe just one of you)

6. Don’t Judge by The First Date

I feel many of are guilty of judging someone off the first date, well at least I am. I feel it is important to go on a second or third date. Reason being, on the first date, most likely you and that person are fairly nervous if you have never met each other in person before. I really do feel it is important to not make assumptions of someone off just the first date, unless well if there are things that you do not see yourself being able to work pass. So give them and yourself a chance to really go on a couple or few dates, before making a rash decision about whether or not you want to date them. This goes for you people who have been talking forever over text or phone calls in getting to know someone, truly allow the date or dates to evolve into what they are meant to be, not an idealized idea of how the person should act or look in your head. Let your nerves settle down, and take your time in getting to know someone or even dating them, you can find out and connect with someone you may not have thought you would.

7. Do Meet Somewhere Public & Place You Both Like

It is important on a first date or even in the beginning stages of dating that you meet in a public place such as a populated park, restaurant or area where other people can see you. I say this because you never know who truly someone is even after talking for them a while and stalking them on social media (because we all do that, even if do not say so explicitly). It is important to also research someone before you meet up, just to make sure you are not going on a date with someone who could possibly cause harm to you. I say this because many of us nowadays likely meet someone online through a dating app, social media (Instagram or Facebook) or through a mutual friend. Last but not least, when meeting someone for the first time, pick a place you both like and feel comfortable meeting up at. When it comes to dating or just getting to know someone, it is crucial for you to feel secure and comfortable. If not, then please listen to your gut and do not meet up or go on a date with someone if you truly do not feel comfortable. Your body as I like to say sometimes knows better than your mind and heart. Trust your gut and intuition, as I like to say (or as someone told me long, long ago).

8. Don’t Forget to tell Family & Friends who You Are Going With

No matter what, do not forget to tell your family and friends who you are meeting or going on a date with. It is important to let those you are close know your whereabouts in case anything was to happen to you. So text when you arrive at your destination and when you leave to let those you love know you are safe. It may also be important to share your Snapchat location with a friend locally in case something was to happen to. You never know nowadays, so having tags on someone can help in making sure you are safe, and reassuring your loved ones you are too. I do not tell you this to scare you, yet this important to be in communication with your family or friends, even if you are meeting up with a friend or going on a hike alone, just so they know where you are. I always tell my family and sometimes my friends were I am going so they know, and can do something if something happens to me. Just do not forget to communicate and practice safety whenever you are going somewhere by yourself or with a friend, or meeting a new person.

The Destinations & Detours of Dating

I hope these “Dating Do’s & Don’ts” can help you as you continue on your dating journey, or even reflect on what dating was like for you before you met your forever person. I feel each person’s dating journey is different, yet similar. Some of us date more than others, and some of us have never been a long term relationship before. No matter where you are at in your dating journey, just know it is your journey, not anyone else’s. So do not compare your season of singleness to someone’s season of marriage. We all go through different seasons in life at different times, so appreciate the time you have.

Learn all you can about life and love, what you want and do not want in a future partner. Through dating, you will find more about yourself, who you want to be as a partner and what you seek in a relationship for it to be healthy, withstanding and for you feel fulfilled (and loved). Just remembering the longest relationship you’ll ever be in is the one with yourself, so learn to love yourself and the rest will follow (as they tend or like to say). Taking it day by day, date by date, you got this (and you can survive even those worst heartbreak and breakups — p.s. they will make you appreciate eventually your life long partner).

Irish Roots

Today when I am writing this is March 17, St. Patrick’s Day which is a huge celebration for the Irish. When I think back to the first, only time I visited Ireland, I was 15 going to be 16. Then, I thought I knew what it is to be Irish. But even a decade later, I do not know what it really means to be Irish. While my grandma spent many of her formative years in Ireland and I still have family there, I have yet to discover what being Irish exactly means. That is why I hope to one day have the opportunity to stay in Ireland for a month to just travel around the country, and spend time with family over there. I hope when that day comes, I will get to visit with my future husband and teach him the parts of myself I have yet to discover, which is what it means to be a dual citizen of a country(Ireland) you really have not gotten to spend much time in.

I know they say time is essence, but I really do believe it is. My Irish grandma is about to turn 91 this Friday on March 19th, I joke with her it is her backwards golden birthday. She smirks and her eyes light up whenever I say that. I hope my grandma knows how much she means to me, and so many. My grandma is the one person I lovely so deeply, admire and seek validation from. She has taught me how to treat others through her actions, which is to pretty much give grace to every single person. My grandma has told me time after time, she has never met a person she does not like, which I along with many of you reading could beg to differ. She has taught me what it means to love deeply, she was married to my grandpa for 58 years, up until the day he passed and is still committed to him years later. I hope for myself and for you that you find a love so deep that it does not run dry when that person is no longer here physically, I feel each of us deserve to be loved and to love deeply, and unapologetically. I bet my lucky charms, we each find that pot of gold, our purpose in life and partner in love at different moments and times in our lives, for reasons and lessons we may never understand, even years later or right now.

My one and only hope is that I find out more about my Irish roots, such as where are they rooted and what seeds have yet to be planted… I think all of us wonder what will life be like tomorrow, ten months from now, ten years from today, yet time teaches you to appreciate every moment you get and memory made. Sometimes we live like we got our whole lives before us, when we never truly now when our time will come. I hope that in time, we find our roots, whether that is your heritage, your purpose or your partner. Whether your plant(s) bloom, or the weeds take over, always know you can grow through whatever you may go through. I truly believe life always works out for the best, even if we cannot see it now. So plant your roots wherever you please, just remember to always be kind to yourself and those around you. Hopefully each of us can live more like my Irish grandma who always seems to see and find the good in each person, and situation. Sláinte!!!

Mildly’s me metamorphosis

Almost a year ago, I started “Mildly Me”. Back then I had the intention of writing content that was raw and embodied the experiences many of us go through on a daily basis. If anybody would have told me I would be here at this moment in time, I would not had believed them one bit. I may have believed bits and parts, because when it comes to yourself, you know what will last and what will fade. And when relationships, friendships included are made on rugged rubble, would you expect them to withstand all the hardships? Probably not. Well this past year I learned that letting go is a lot harder than it looks. I also learned that what I write is truly all I have at this point in time; because people come and go in and out of your life like seasons, and maybe for some very good reasons.

It is honestly crazy how much can change in a year, a season, a month and a day. Where I was last year is a place and a person I never want to revisit. Where I was last season in the midst of the season of Spring is a version of myself I want to leave behind. Where I was last month is the woman I want to tell who cares, do whatever and be whoever the hell you want to. What is heaven without not a little bit of hell. Who would I be if I did not make the choices I did. The choice to leave a relationship crumbling right in front of me. The choice to learn from saying yes aimlessly to standing firm in a no. The choice to choose who and what I surround myself with. While this year and these choices have been be a bit easy, it is the people and things that broke me who built me into who I am today. Today, I am the wanderlust of a whimsical woman wondering what’s next, only to know that Mildly Me will continue to embody all the peaks and meadows each of go and grow through each day. Toning down and cranking up the parts of ourself to be the mild, and sometimes wild versions of ourselves.

Mildly me isn’t just me. It is you, the person reading this. It is the person, who feels like they are never enough. It is the social butterfly, who sometimes feels like they are maybe too much. It is the child, whose learning to use their voice. It is the adult, whose lost the curiosity of a child. It is the grandparent, who wonders what their legacy will one day be. It is all of us, far and close a part, stringed together by humanity, a city and entity. Mildly Me is the parts of yourself you decide to show and the ones you decide to hide, because all of what makes us who we are is perfectly imperfect. So show up every day being who you are, whether that is Mildly Me or not. You got a heart, body and a voice that embodies only you, and no one else, so always choose to be who you are and more.

Better Off on My Own

Lately I have been feeling this sense of just being better off on my own. I don’t say that to be negative, but rather I just feel like I don’t want anyone to be carrying around my baggage like its their luggage. I see everyone so happy, content, in love or just living their life on their own terms, and then…

I look at myself and wonder how did I get here, why did I let a guy for the last year of my life make me feel like there was a ticking time bomb ready to explode right in my face. When it did and I had to carry the weight of knowing I had to leave for my own sanity, and then to be caught up in the fear of carrying something else too. In the process, I honestly felt myself losing pieces of who I am to fill that of those around me. Maybe if I do this, then everyone will be happy.

But what I realized is for years I have been sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of love, while some may say that’s a flaw, I think we all fill parts of ourselves in people and with things we are lacking to feel whole. I can honestly think back to college when one of my roommates said Maddie I can’t keep up with how many guys you are dating. Back then I was lost and trying to find myself in other people (and I guess now I still am too), some who would take up my time and others I would never give a chance.

See what I realized then and now is that the moments I have felt most alone have been the moments when I truly grow and find what I need. While I’m flawed beyond belief, I know that maybe by me saying I’m better off on my own is better for the sake of those around me, including myself.

No I’m not saying I want to be alone forever. And that Yes I do want to find love again, and eventually a family, but for now I need time to grow and honestly I don’t know what that looks like. But what I do know is the next time love comes knocking on my door, I am going to do everything in my power to keep that private for the sake of my own well being and happiness. Because I’m done living for the approval around me. Whoever that person ends up being, we will be darn lucky and beyond happy to have each other.

In the meantime and as I go through life, I will continue to turn to music and poetry to get me through it all. And if you feel or felt like do, please know you are not alone but rather something and someone great is down the road, waiting for you to arrive at your destination, them.

PS the name for this post was inspired by the one and only Taylor Swift’s song, “King of My Heart” . Also some songs I have been listening to remind me that my feelings and thoughts are valid, as are your’s are “Hand Me Down and Overjoyed by Matchbox Twenty”, “Lonely by Noah Cyrus” and “Anyone by Demi Lovato” . As always, love you all beyond words!