Happy you are here

I thought about writing the 12 others things I have learned thus far in my 25 years on this Earth, but then I thought there is one thing that encompasses all of those things, while the obvious answer may be ME, it is not. The one thing that encapsulates all of these things is growth. Growth in the sense that we are always growing through what we have gone and are currently going through in life. While that may look different from one person to the next, there is something you can always take away and learn from life, even if it does not make sense in the meantime. As I sat down to write this, I thought about what has this past year of life meant, and honestly what the hell has 2020 meant?!?! Like seriously, what is going on. And all I know is me, you, and the universe is going through a lot of growth, while that can be uncomfortable and sad at times, there is always good things to come and lessons to be learned. Simply put never stop growing and letting those around you know that you are HAPPY TO BE HERE.

And while happiness is this complex, ubiquitous word that we all talk about and hope to have, I have learned with time that happiness sometimes looks like a piece of the puzzle. In the sense we each have a piece of the puzzle to bring to be a part of each other’s happiness, whether that is in the meantime or lifetime, just being here in this moment of time and existing as you are will always be enough. Recently, well about a month ago, I connected with someone who truly changed and feel will continue to change my life with their truth. In our paths crossing, this person taught me so much about life, and that you are not alone in what you go through. And that maybe, we were meant to come into each other’s life for reasons both of us will never understand, or maybe ever know. The one thing I am sure of in my heart, and in my gut is that I never want to loose that connection, despite where our paths go. Finding a real, genuine connection in this world is hard, since we are all scared of what the other person may think of or if they may see our baggage as their luggage. But the thing is you aren’t any of that when you feel like you are home, in a place of a person where you feel comfortable to express who you truly are and sharing how you are still stumbling through life to find who you are.

Life is not a race, where you have to rush to get to the finish line, rather we all need to just pace ourself and enjoy the journey we are on. And maybe we just need to stop comparing ourselves to the person next to us, even if they look a few steps ahead or are fading into the background as we continue to put one foot in front of another. I guess what I am trying to say is, people like me or maybe the person reading this, we are runners. We run away when things seem too good. We run when we feel like we are wasting our time, when time is never wasted but cherished. We run each day to get to places we ought think we need to go based on what society tells us, when we should just let our heart run wild and free. But if you keep running away from all that is good and worthwhile, you will be left feeling like I am, empty and confused as to where I should go or what should I do next. When all I needed to do was stop running and to enjoy the journey. I sometimes wonder if we become more focused on the journey, that we simply don’t enjoy the process and the joy that it brings us.

So be happy you are here…. yes that is so simple to say, yet so hard to believe. Why is that, since we overthink every step we think it will take us to get to where we want to go, when we should simply enjoy each step we get to take on this path we are on. In talking with this person, the phrase Pathways kept popping into my mind and I started to think the many pathways, each of us have taken, me, you and all of us. Our pathways are so different, yet so similar since we arrived here reading this and connecting with one another. Maybe all we are lacking in this world is realizing that while our pathways are all heading in different directions, we can still come back and arrive at a common place of wanting to feel loved, understood and growing to become better with each day. So what pathway will you take, and where will you pave your pathway, who do you want to bring on that pathway and when will you let your pathway lead the way, and why wouldn’t you be proud of that pathway you are on?! Think to yourself, and if you aren’t content, then starting paving your own damn pathway in life, you will look back and be happy you did. So let the kid inside of you be curious, the teen inside of you be complicated and the adult inside of you be courageous enough to pave that pathway. Last but not least, let’s get back to what HAPPY YOU ARE HERE all means, well let me do what I do to reflect and hopefully offer insight to you, is well by writing a poem. So here is the poem for you, because simply put, I am beyond HAPPY YOU ARE HERE:

Happy You Are Here

Happy You Are Here

The Person Reading This

The Lessons Learned

The Seasons Passed

The Sessions Completed

The Tunes Listened To

The Words Written

I am “Happy You Are Here”

The Person Writing This

Who Are You? (Who Do You Want To Be?)

Where Are You? (Where Do You Want To Go?)

Why Do I Care? (Why Should I Care?)

How Are You? (How Were You Before?)

What Are You? (What Were You After?)

When You….??? (When Will You Be?)

You Asked Questions, Yet I Don’t Have the Answer

But I know,

You are “Happy You Are Here”

But what about him or her

But why I do feel hurt, yet not healed

But who will I be, I am scared

Scared about never being enough

Well, We Are “Happy You Are Here”

Why Are You Happy?

Well What Made You So Sad?

And When Will You No Longer Be Mad?

And Who Will Make You Glad?

Tell me Where You Are At?

But I am lost

You Are Not, I found You

But I am Mess

You Are a Stain of Pain, Yet I found my Silver Lining

But I keep giving you mixed signals

You Should Really Go, I don’t have to, you gave me the directions

We Should Stop, Time can’t heal all wounds, I don’t want to Hurt You

You Won’t, I’ll patch you to heal so you can be really who you want to be

But What About If I Am Wrong, You Have Always Been Right

And I Want to Move Forward, But I Keep Getting Pulled Back

Let go, Let go with each day, each moment and live this life with intent

But What About If I Can’t Shield You, You Don’t Have To

Well Why Is That?

Because see, that person, they are “Happy You Are Here”

Wait They Are, Why Would They Think That?

Well we saw where you came from, and what brought you here, my dear..

We saw the fear in your eyes.

We witnessed the gears you shifted through to find what felt right.

We captured the shear strength you had to make it here.

Wait What Do You Mean?

Honey, we are “Happy You Are Here”

When Did You Think That?

We stopped thinking about them, and started with the thought of you.

Where Did This All Come From?

We kept going, going and never stopped to see we were passing right by all that you said and meant. We can’t keep living a lie, we now know we have to live the truth.

The truth of a lie? No that’s FALSE

Then, WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

WELL MEANING HAS NO SUBSTANCE, IF YOU AREN’T HERE

You said that when I was there and now here

Where did I go Wrong?

You were always right, you always had it all in front of you, it just took you time and will continue to, with each day my sweet dear you will find fear makes a pact with courage, with each moment you will find you have to go through hell to have a piece of heaven, and with each memory you find a story you get to tell as what used to be fades and you are made into who you were and where you were meant to always be… right here, not there, but here, what where I am, you are here, where is here, it is right there, and what does this all mean??? We may never know, so slow down son, take each step day by day, because this moment brought you to today…. and simply said..

WE ARE “HAPPY YOU ARE HERE”… Glad you could join us… yet we never left.

PS this poem was written to reflect how many of us experience the feeling of overthinking, looking back and forward, wondering why we can’t keep pace in the race of life, and pondering why the finish line keeps getting moved every time we run towards an idea of where we ought to think we should go to feel completed. Yet all we should remember in this moment, is to be HAPPY WE ARE HERE, ENJOYING THE PAIN, MESS, HAPPINESS, DISDAIN, AND THE GRAIN OF GRACE LIFE WILL BRING US AS WE CONTINUE TO GROW INTO WHO WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE…. SO HAPPY YOU ARE HERE!! (CAPS & CHEERS INCLUDED)

13 things i have learned in 25 years

It is crazy to write this knowing I am have now been 25 for almost two weeks now. If you would have told me 10 years ago at 15, I would be here, I would not believe you one bit. At 15, I pictured myself married and starting out a new chapter of my life, the one were you settle down.

Little did I know that I would be no where close to settling down but finding myself again. The 24th year of my life taught me a lot about who I was and all of what I want to be as a human on this earth. While I know, I am one among a bigilloin people on this Earth, I know each of us have a purpose to be here and a story to write. No one person is the same as you, and even if you think so, let me tell you are here for a reason, even if you do not understand the seasons of life you may go through. Sometimes we never do, but that is beauty of the lessons life will teach you.

So with that being said, let’s fall into the things I have learned during this past quarter century of life, and maybe you will read this and see we all go through things that make us who we are. Read this not with a gaze, but be amazed at how far you have come and go in this lifetime.

Life is truly short in hindsight, so with each day let your light shine, even when you feel like you are a star fading out with the doubts, shout out loud you are worth the things that make you, you…. enough of me rambling, here we go friends, let’s get deep and personal with one another… or just more me.

  1. Things and People Change

2020 has truly taught us that things can change within the matter of minutes and months. While that is not something we are not unfamiliar to as humans, it is something we should realize that each moment should be lived with intent. And not that maybe some people aren’t meant to be in our life forever. Letting go is truly harder than it seems when all you want to do is hold onto is what is familiar, and feels comfortable. But in those uncomfortable moments of life, is when real growth and change can happen. Hopefully, we all come out of 2020 with a newfound perspective and an appreciation for all those surround us, because what is now will eventually fade into the things and people we used to know, so enjoy the journey life will take you on.

Song: Change by NF

2. LOVE AND LIFE

I used to always think love was to fill up parts of someone else. But no love is truly is caring for another person. You don’t have to empty parts of your self to fill another person up. I have realized I don’t have to give to get. That love is unconditional and I am beyond grateful for those who have showed me love when I had nothing more to give. While I a cynic when it comes to love, I have learned that yes you can get your heart broken a handful of a times in a year and still be able to love yourself, when no one seems or will ever want to.

Being alone has made me realize that yah I have gone on more dates than I can count, and each one has taught me something about myself. So yah, call me what you want to… it truly won’t bother me anymore. I know my worth, and I am worthwhile of love. Yah I am not perfect, I have made more mistakes I would like to take credit for, but it honestly can get annoying when I feel every guy I encounter wants me more for a prized possession than actually a present to handle with love, care and appreciation. So yah it has been a cruel year when it comes to love and life, but I am still a believer and I don’t know why…

Song: Livin’ on Love

3. MUSIC IS MY MUSE

I think we all listen to music and feel a tad less alone in this world. Music can truly connect us in ways we will not understand. So yes music is my muse, and likely yours’ too. But I highly suggest turning on your favorite song and just dancing in the comfort of your apartment, house, bedroom or car. It makes you feel free from all that is holding you down, or back. So just dance to the beat of your own drum, and SHAKE IT OFF.

Song: Shake It Off By Taylor Swift

4. TAKE YOUR TIME

People love to say time is of the essence, but I believe time is truly the seconds, minutes, and hours you make out of it. Not every day you will be keep track of time, but time can teach you lessons and heal all wounds. Time will continue to tick on, so just take your time when it comes to life. We are all on a different timeline than one another, so do not compare your timeline to someone else’s.

Song: if this is the last time by LANY

5. CALL SOMEONE OVER TEXTING THEM

This year taught me to call those close to you because texting can be so impersonal. And that calling and hearing someone’s voice can remind you that we just aren’t living behind screens. So call someone today, tell them how much you care about them and just talk. Everyone can send a text, but it takes someone special to call you. WORDS HOLD WEIGHT BUT VOICES ARE HEAVIER… AND WON’T ALWAYS BE THERE FOREVER!

Song: Call on Me by Starley

6. SEND SOMETHING SPECIAL

Sometimes on somedays, we worry about the most meniscal stuff. So send something special to someone, it could be a simple text or present. There is nothing more special than sending someone something that reminds them that their presence is a present to this world, because it truly is. Stop what you are doing and send something special to someone, no matter if they appreciate it or not, do something heartfelt every once in awhile. This world needs love more now than ever before, so adore and show love to those around you.

Song: Something About You by Hayden James (ODEZA Remix)

7. SET SETTLE INTENTIONS

I say set settle intentions because many of the times we set intentions or goals that are beyond anyone’s expectations. So set settle intentions that can help you take that step toward where you want to go and be. Be true in your intentions, and don’t expect any mentions. Just live for your intentions, not someone else’s expectations.

Song: Intentions by Justin Bieber

8. LOVE OVER HATE

This past year I could have show and shared hate over love, but I decided to always show love even when I felt that person didn’t deserve it. I say that because love can be truly hard to show and share, when you feel like people constantly use you for their own needs and wants. While I now know the truth of the situation of months later, and am not at all surprised by it. Almost like we know when people are lying to us, but hey the truth always comes out and welp you just have to live with it. No matter what happens or someone does to me, I will always choose love over hate, and I hope you can too even when it is beyond hard to do so.

Song: ILYSB By LANY & i hate u, i love u by gnash (ft. Olivia O’brien)

9. RELISH IN HAPPINESS

I have always been the person who wonders when something great will end. Like I know the spark won’t last forever and soon the flame will be blown out and the smoke will soon fill the space. But what I have realized that when I feel happy, I should relish in it. There are many days when things aren’t great but there other days that are amazing. Hold onto that happiness because it will come in handy when you are faced with tough times, and maybe sadness. Relishing in happiness just makes you feel full, even on on the days when you feel empty.

Song: Be Happy by Dixie D’ Amelio

10. FIND FAITH IN FEAR

When I say faith, I do not mean religion but rather the belief you are enough and good things are coming your way. Each day I am trying to believe that my real moments of growth are when I am sitting with my thoughts or reminding myself along with friends that it is normal to feel not okay. It is okay to feel lost or misunderstood or nothing is going right. We all feel those feelings every once in awhile, some more than others.

But imagine if we shared how we were feeling or felt, over always masking our feelings. There is beauty and true admiration in showing how you feel, and I feel we will or would feel less lonely in this world if we did so. So here’s to you and me, finding faith in fear, during the highs and lows, slow down and enjoy these moments dear, because nothing ever lasts forever.

Song: Faith by George Michael

11. SHOW VS. SHARE

We all can show who we are with our actions, but our words share part of who we want to be in this world. Imagine if our actions and words lined up, would you believe or disregard? Well all I know is by showing people you care is far better than sharing how you will be there for them. While sharing can help, showing up and being there for that person means more than you think. So the next time, you are talking with a family member, friend or love; show up and share so you can be there for each other.

Song: Show Me Love by Sam Feldt (ft. Kimberly Anne)

12. FORGIVE & FORGET

While forgiving and forgetting are feats in their own regard, you have don’t have to forgive to forget or vice versa. I have learned with time you can become indifferent. I realized this when first I listened to a Taylor Swift song, “I Forgot You Existed” and realized that through the lyrics of song you can move on with your life with honestly doing either. I also read a book called, “The Gift of Forgiveness”, which within the pages takes you on a journey through the different paths people take on the journey to arrive at their desired destination of forgiveness. While I can’t tell you how you should do either, forgiving or forgetting, what I can tell is with time, things become clearer and you will always end up at where and who you belong with. Life has a weird way of working out when it comes to directions and detours you take on this never ending road of twists and turns, eventually you realize it is all a part of your journey.

Song: Forgive & Forget by The Kooks (This one will always make me dance…. damn this is a BOP)

13. FIND BEAUTY IN EACH THING AND PERSON

At times, it can be hard to find beauty in the things we acquire or the people we meet or know. But with each day, each of us including myself should look to find beauty in each thing we get to have and person we encounter, whether it or they adds or takes away from our life, we should be grateful to simply have the privilege to live. Sometimes we take life, things and people for granted and do not realize their value until they are gone. So appreciate every thing and every one that comes in and out of your life. Cause while we as a person may be a collection of things, relationships, moments, keepsakes and dreams, let’s always try to find the sliver linings in all of it. When it is all over, we will be reaching for the things and people who all added a sentence, paragraph and chapter in our book of life. So get up each day, looking forward to writing another page of your story and getting to be a part of someone else’s too. Our stories, voices, and thoughts hold so much value, just got to invest and deposit them from time to time in the banks of people and things that collect the bits and pieces of us.

I decided to stop at 13 things…. because 25 things is just a lot to process, write and share in one go. So sometime in the near future, I have no clue when it will be, but hopefully soon… I will think of 12 other things I have learned in my 25 years of life in this earth. For those of you, who are younger or older than 25, please take these things I shared with a grain of salt and sprinkle them into your mind, life and body when seems fit. Hopefully, no matter how old you are, you can connect, grow, and from what I shared. Because aren’t we all hoping to be feel a little more connected in what seems at times a rather disconnected world. LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!

Song: Beautiful by Bazzi (ft. Camila Cabello)

OVERALL SONG YOU SHOULD BLAST: Paradise by Bazzi 🙂

Always remember to BE HOO YOU ARE, CAUSE YOU’RE OWLSOME!

Mildly’s me metamorphosis

Almost a year ago, I started “Mildly Me”. Back then I had the intention of writing content that was raw and embodied the experiences many of us go through on a daily basis. If anybody would have told me I would be here at this moment in time, I would not had believed them one bit. I may have believed bits and parts, because when it comes to yourself, you know what will last and what will fade. And when relationships, friendships included are made on rugged rubble, would you expect them to withstand all the hardships? Probably not. Well this past year I learned that letting go is a lot harder than it looks. I also learned that what I write is truly all I have at this point in time; because people come and go in and out of your life like seasons, and maybe for some very good reasons.

It is honestly crazy how much can change in a year, a season, a month and a day. Where I was last year is a place and a person I never want to revisit. Where I was last season in the midst of the season of Spring is a version of myself I want to leave behind. Where I was last month is the woman I want to tell who cares, do whatever and be whoever the hell you want to. What is heaven without not a little bit of hell. Who would I be if I did not make the choices I did. The choice to leave a relationship crumbling right in front of me. The choice to learn from saying yes aimlessly to standing firm in a no. The choice to choose who and what I surround myself with. While this year and these choices have been be a bit easy, it is the people and things that broke me who built me into who I am today. Today, I am the wanderlust of a whimsical woman wondering what’s next, only to know that Mildly Me will continue to embody all the peaks and meadows each of go and grow through each day. Toning down and cranking up the parts of ourself to be the mild, and sometimes wild versions of ourselves.

Mildly me isn’t just me. It is you, the person reading this. It is the person, who feels like they are never enough. It is the social butterfly, who sometimes feels like they are maybe too much. It is the child, whose learning to use their voice. It is the adult, whose lost the curiosity of a child. It is the grandparent, who wonders what their legacy will one day be. It is all of us, far and close a part, stringed together by humanity, a city and entity. Mildly Me is the parts of yourself you decide to show and the ones you decide to hide, because all of what makes us who we are is perfectly imperfect. So show up every day being who you are, whether that is Mildly Me or not. You got a heart, body and a voice that embodies only you, and no one else, so always choose to be who you are and more.

Better Off on My Own

Lately I have been feeling this sense of just being better off on my own. I don’t say that to be negative, but rather I just feel like I don’t want anyone to be carrying around my baggage like its their luggage. I see everyone so happy, content, in love or just living their life on their own terms, and then…

I look at myself and wonder how did I get here, why did I let a guy for the last year of my life make me feel like there was a ticking time bomb ready to explode right in my face. When it did and I had to carry the weight of knowing I had to leave for my own sanity, and then to be caught up in the fear of carrying something else too. In the process, I honestly felt myself losing pieces of who I am to fill that of those around me. Maybe if I do this, then everyone will be happy.

But what I realized is for years I have been sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of love, while some may say that’s a flaw, I think we all fill parts of ourselves in people and with things we are lacking to feel whole. I can honestly think back to college when one of my roommates said Maddie I can’t keep up with how many guys you are dating. Back then I was lost and trying to find myself in other people (and I guess now I still am too), some who would take up my time and others I would never give a chance.

See what I realized then and now is that the moments I have felt most alone have been the moments when I truly grow and find what I need. While I’m flawed beyond belief, I know that maybe by me saying I’m better off on my own is better for the sake of those around me, including myself.

No I’m not saying I want to be alone forever. And that Yes I do want to find love again, and eventually a family, but for now I need time to grow and honestly I don’t know what that looks like. But what I do know is the next time love comes knocking on my door, I am going to do everything in my power to keep that private for the sake of my own well being and happiness. Because I’m done living for the approval around me. Whoever that person ends up being, we will be darn lucky and beyond happy to have each other.

In the meantime and as I go through life, I will continue to turn to music and poetry to get me through it all. And if you feel or felt like do, please know you are not alone but rather something and someone great is down the road, waiting for you to arrive at your destination, them.

PS the name for this post was inspired by the one and only Taylor Swift’s song, “King of My Heart” . Also some songs I have been listening to remind me that my feelings and thoughts are valid, as are your’s are “Hand Me Down and Overjoyed by Matchbox Twenty”, “Lonely by Noah Cyrus” and “Anyone by Demi Lovato” . As always, love you all beyond words!

Blossoming Into Who I Want To Be

A few years ago I posted a picture of me saying blossoming into who I want to be, and years later that phrase still rings true. I feel with each season you learn new lessons about this thing we call life, and reasons to continuing keep on growing through what you go through. While life can be rough and there can be tough, unknown times as they are now, you never know where life is going to take you and who it is going to plant into your life (or sometimes weed out). So as I continue growing and blossoming into this new season of my life, I just want to be real with you all, so here goes nothing.

Something that has been weighing on my mind is a lot about what lessons you can take away from life and people you met, this has especially been true for me as I get back into the dating (online because of coronavirus) world. After getting out a long term relationship, it can be quite scary. Because you feel like all the flowers you and your partner planted have died, leaving you to start anew. While fresh starts are nice, they can be honestly frightening. Frightening in the sense of what and who lies ahead.

Lately, I have been using that fear to let myself be vulnerable again. Deep down I feel the person I am meant to be with is out there. While we both may know nothing about each other, I feel I will know once I have met the one. So yes again, after a few months of being single, I am letting myself to fall, maybe not in love with but falling into the vulnerability. Being vulnerable is one of my greatest fears, because I fear what will that person think. But then I stop myself and remind myself that every one is looking and longing to find that person who just gets them. Someone that will not only nurture them but grow a garden, a life with them.

Although I am still learning from each person I talk to or have gone on dates, what I want and don’t want. Deep down, I am allowing this planted seeds of people in my life to either grow with me, or to wither away with the wind. Cause I know the person, people who are meant to be in your life, for reasons sometimes we ourselves don’t understand. While people can come and go like seasons, I think you should take in the beauty each person brought into your life. Since life as we know it, changes from day to day, some people go and some stay, but every day is a fresh start to plant that seed and let it grow.

So if you are in between seasons or do not understand the reasons of the lessons life is trying to teach you, just know someone who truly cares and loves you will always be there for you, want to grow , and to show and celebrate the beauty you as an individual bring to this world.

Marchin' On

It has been awhile since I last wrote a blog post. It was actually two months til this day that I remember writing a blog post about telling my side of the story in a heartbreak. But now that it has been two months and things have quite changed, I thought I hop on here to tell you how you can or how I have been marching on through these truly unknown times.

They say moving on from a heartbreak takes time and I would have to totally agree but it also takes a good amount of healing. See I did not know what it felt like to lose someone I cared and still care so much for until well it happened. I felt a sense of abandonment and have felt quite alone during this time in my life, not just from the Coronavirus. In being alone I learned no one can make me happy, except for myself. So now and going forward I am learning that it is okay for me to not always people please. Noticing that most of my life I have spent trying to make those around me happy while letting my own happiness suffer. No matter what life looks like in this season, I want to work on being my own best cheerleader and going after things and experiences I have always wanted to, and I challenge you to do the same.

As for this whole coronavirus thing, I honestly feel a sense of anxiety and depression for our world, our country and my community, because I see the various ways people’s lives are being affected, whether they be those in the healthcare field or a college student. Right now life feels more uncertain than ever. But in all honesty it has felt like that for me since this year began. I knew from the beginning of this year that I didn’t know what my then relationship held, my future held and really who I was becoming. I like to say with time we lose pieces of who we are, but in all honesty I think we just get scarred and hugged by experiences and memories. I like to say I am moving on…. but with each day I feel like I am marching through a war zone of uncertain emotions, feelings and times. At this time, deep down in my gut, heart and mind I know what is right for me, but would I rather be hurt or be vulnerable, I still cannot decide. Maybe when I finally decide, it will be too late or maybe just a tad too early. But I guess time can only tell how we will march on from this pandemic and the own battles we continue to fight and win with ourselves.

If I could say one thing, it would be to continue marchin’ on with kindness, love, acceptance, and gratefulness for those around you, close and far away.

The Telling Truth

The phrase “The Telling Truth” kept coming to my mind, time and time again over the past weekend. I don’t know if it was my subconscious trying to tell me something or not, but anyway I am sitting down here to write a story from my side, or rather I guess a break up of a relationship from my point of view. While I feel sometimes we should keep things to ourself, and that people think they know what it is going on from what they have been told, I thought I would tell my side of the story.

Our story began back in October of my senior year and his junior year. At the time I was honestly not looking for anything serious because I had dated quite a few guys beforehand and just honestly had given up on dating . So after blowing off this guy three times, who some of you may know his name, I decided to give him a chance because I said so what. So what if I have a never failed dating experience or what not. Well anyway I went on this date and I guess you could say the rest is history. The moment I saw his car I thought of my late grandpa because my grandpa used to drive a Buick, so I thought this must be sign. As we talked on our first date and got to know each other better I really started to fall for him, as much as I resisted opening the bars and chains around my heart.

I broke down barriers of walls I built because I really thought this guy was the one. I know people reading this may find this silly but sometimes you just feel it in your bones, thoughts and heart that this person really gets me. But as time went on, the scars of past trauma upon me started to be revealed and I guess that was just too much. As my depression and anxiety worsened due to a horrible first job of out college situation where I faced harassment, he stayed and supported me. Then my depression and anxiety came back full force and I was going through a real tough time, like real tough but honestly no one knew expect myself this year. Near the tail end, I guess he just gave up. Gave up on me, goals he supposedly had of becoming of a surgeon, and just the relationship itself. In the meantime I tried to save a sinking ship, but as I did I felt myself drowning just trying to keep our relationship afloat.

And when he said he didn’t see a future with me or of us. I felt my world crumbling, how could someone go from saying you would never be too much to saying you are now more than ever way too much for me at this moment. See that is not what love is, love is being there for someone at their number one in show to when they come in last place, or they cannot even put one foot in front of another. But I guess love to him was only lust, and maybe we ought to know the difference in this day and age, where many of us would rather focus on ourself than helping those around us. I am not telling this my story for you to feel sorry for me but to let you know you are not alone, if you are going through a very trying time in your life.

Since I moved out from the apartment where we lived together, I have felt myself riding on a wave on emotions, from catching an emotion only to be crushed by it. I guess I caught up in the eye of the hurricane to realize the reality of my world, my love and my life to come crashing down. And while many people have reached out and said, ” Did you & him break up?” and I have to say yes or have another guy slide into my DMs and say well I just saw you guys broke up, I just want to say let me be. But maybe by sharing what is going on, I can help not only myself heal but maybe you the person who is reading this who may have lost someone, something or cherishing the ones you have, because you should, I just wanted you to know that the telling truth will always come out, no matter if someone tries to bury your voice or side of the story, all I wanted in this moment and going forward is to share the telling truth of the death of a relationship, story or soon to be distant memory.

PS while some of you may know both him and me, please try and see this is me telling my truth and side of the story as a way to heal from someone that I thought would be my lifeline, only to cross so many lines and break my mine own heart in the meantime.

Learning to Let Go

Over the past month and half I have been processing through some emotions, and some things. As you step through life, stepping in and out, sometime in between those steps, you notice what you need to take with you and what you need to let go of. While making those steps, you learn who you are, what you want and maybe why you feel the way you do. So as I make these steps going forward, I am realizing there is something, or many things I need to let go of.

First, I need to let go of the feeling of not being wanted. I know I am cared and wanted by so many. But there are many days were I feel alone, crying and hurting, that truly no one cares. While this may be a surprise to those of you who do not know me that well, I wanted to let you know that you should always touch base with those you love and care about, because you never know what is going on behind the confined doors of social media. So truly I need to let go of this feeling that no one cares, because I know there are, whether only few who do care about me and my well-being and that is all should matter. Never forget, you matter and what you are feeling is valid, no matter how crazy someone may think or say it is — YOU MATTER!

Second, I found that I need to let go of a relationship that was no longer fulfilling me but rather crushing me. Lately I have been feeling that no matter how many times I attempt to put back the pieces that have been crushed, they just don’t fit and keep falling out of place. Maybe this is a sign that sometimes the one you have been holding so close, you just need to let them go. While letting go of someone who has seen you at some real shitty lows and amazing highs is beyond imaginable, I know I got this as I say this feeling beyond muddled and sunken in emotions. Sometimes stepping away and letting one go is the best you can do, not only for yourself but for maybe or hopefully for them too.

Third, I found I need to let go of social media. While this may not be easy, it is something I need to do and step away from because my mental health has suffered from it. Seeking approval from followers or likes seems to be what is next to seeking approval from our peers and mentors as we typically in do real life. So enough with social media. As of now, I am deciding I will only be on social media to share my blog posts, so if I do not like or comment on your recent post, please do not take it personally. So bye Instagram and Facebook for the time being, while I say I will miss you, at the same time I find it best that you take a break from seeking approval from fleeting likes, followers and I guess friends too.

While letting go of stuff, people and moments may be hard in the meantime. At this point in time, it is something I really need to do in order to get back on track to feeling like me, the girl who is and only should be living her life on her terms, no one else’s. Well anyway, if you are feeling the way I am or go through something that is bodging you down, I would highly suggest letting go of that thing, thought or person because if you never do, you will never know what else you could let in that could really change your life and help you step in to where you want to go.

Stepping into A New Year

While the chapter of 2019 has officially closed and the chapter of 2020 has officially began. I thought I would start this year off by not sharing my resolutions at all, since I really wanted to focus on how you can step into a new year or start to make the changes you want in your life.

And while the start of this year has left me feeling awfully low, I know in my heart of hearts that this year is going to be good. Good in the sense that I went through a crap ton of growth in 2019, and maybe you have too. But do know that we grow and things can and will get better. If you do not think so, I am here for you.

I am here not only stepping into what this year has to bring, but starting to take action on goals I have had for myself for a very long time. Goals as silly as simply get enough sleep and working out more, things that many of us may already had incorporated into our daily routine. But with my health being on a roller coaster I have seen how it is affecting those closest to me. And how seeking out help isn’t the worst thing to do for yourself if you are really in need of sorting through emotions and feelings you have or are having. Never feel like your feelings or emotions are not valid, because they are. Anyway looking back, I have really hurt many people and treated people not as nice as I want to due to my own insecurities. This year I am really work on putting myself first and seeking out help in getting myself better. And you should always know you are a work in progress.

So as I step into 2020, I am really looking to not only reflect on the steps I took to get here, but the pathways I want to take to where I am heading. I hope you will, because to truly make your goals and intentions come true you need to look where you are at. And in the time being, if you are really wanting to make a change in your life, you need to make that goal and intention a standard in your life.

While I do not know what the future will hold, I know it is going to be good and that 2020 is not only a new decade, a new year but a new beginning in so many ways for many us.

Cherish the footprints left & the steps you are taking.

Sincerely,

Someone

Snapshots

In the age of social media we live in a world of snapshots, capturing the bits and moments we only want people to see. But what would we say or do, if we could real and raw in a world where we feel like we will never measure up in the eyes of social media. In this blog post and poem, you fill just that and much more, enjoy!

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